My Life as a Bad Guy Part 2: Drugs and Fitting In

I left Missouri and moved to Highland, IL. I stopped being a bully and picking on kids at this stage. It was the summer before my 7th grade  year when my dad got custody of me and I came back to Illinois. I no longer had to be a bully, but I never fit in. My dad worked overnights, and the first weekend I was left to my own devices I went for a walk. I walked to the movie theater and watched a movie. When it was over, I started walking some more.

I came to the square, and there was a group of kids hanging out. A kid called out to  me, and I walked over to him. He told me he had never seen me and I told him I was new in town. We talked a little more and he walked me over to the group. The age old question was asked, "Is he cool?" He in turn asked me, "Are you cool?" "Yes," was my reply. They asked me if I smoked weed as a joint came around the circle. "Sure," was all I said. As I hit the joint and got stoned for the first time, I found I instantly had friends.

The next night one of them had some alcohol and I got drunk for the first time. I would smoke with that group of kids over the next couple of weeks. On occasion we would go to one of their houses and drink. Once we went to the home of some older kids, ones that were old enough to drive. That was the first time that I snorted cocaine. As soon as I did, I instantly had older friends. I learned that all I had to do was be like the people I was around at the time and they would like me.

Looking back, I became a great actor early. I learned to act however I needed to fit in. I became a social chameleon. If you could spot the coolest person at the party or in the classroom I occupied, that was the person I tried to become. I would act like the stoners when I was in the smoking area at school and the preps when I hung out with the kids with money. I didn't know who I was. I only knew who I wanted to be, and that was anybody but who I was.

I played pick-up basketball and football with the jocks, then sold them weed and pills. I was in student council while I was smoking weed and getting drunk in the smoking area. I volunteered to work the special olympics and was jacked up every weekend. I would date the popular girls and sleep with everyone else. I tried to become all things to all people, and because of that I never got to know who I was. Which was probably a good thing, since I couldn't stand me. I was a fake, a phoney.

I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and I was my own worst critic. I was okay at a lot of things, but I was never great at anything but judging myself. That judgment always was the same, unworthy! I was unworthy of good friends, and I would hurt people that cared about me before they could hurt me. I was only as good as my last fight or the last person I slept with. Once the conquest was over, I was unsatisfied and looking for my next one. I was happy on the outside and dying on the inside.

I  hated life. I would get into a bad mood and go looking for fights. It got to where I was drunk every night, more often stoned than not, frequently on mini-thins/white crosses and occasionally tripping, popping pills, doing rush or snorting cocaine. This started the summer before 7th grade and continued on until my junior year in high school. I got into a lot of trouble and finally moved out of state the summer before my senior year.