Monday, September 16, 2013

My Life as a Bad Guy Part 1: Why I Became a Bully

I can tell you that there is a reason for all that happens. I know that at times it seems there could not possibly be any reason for your past. Maybe you have had some horrible things happen to you. Maybe you have made some horrible choices. As one who has had a lot of bad things happen to me, I searched in vain for a good reason. As a person who has made a lot of bad decisions, I could never find any positive reasons for them. Then it all just clicked.

To start off, let's talk about the bad that has happened. In the 5th grade, my mother left my father and we lived with her mom and dad. My grandpa was an abusive man. Over the course of the next year and a half there were multiple times he would beat me then not let me go to school for a week because they would see the bruises. To compound the abuse, I was the only 5th grader I knew who was living with their grandparents and at the time I was not seeing my dad. All of this I blamed on myself.

When I was really young I had been molested by a babysitter. I did not tell my parents for fear of what they would think of me. I had heard them talk before about a child being touched by an adult and how disgusting that was and how horrible they were. I did not want them to think that I was disgusting so I didn't tell them. When my grandpa started beating me I figured it was because he somehow knew. After all, that is what you do to disgusting people. In 5th grade I became an Agnostic. I knew if there was a God He would not let me suffer like I was.

To cope with everything I became violent, depressed and detached. I felt like I was all alone and I discovered that if I picked on one of the other unpopular kids in my class, the other kids would laugh and I felt more accepted. I soon became a bully. It was nice to pick on kids and beat up someone, not just for the feeling of acceptance but to release some of the anger. I told myself I didn't care what people thought of me, but my actions told the truth. I so wanted people to like me I would hurt others to feel accepted.

I was so mad at the world and everyone in it. I was a hurt and confused kid who felt that he had no one to turn to. I felt unliked, unloved and alienated. To cope with that I did what was natural. It was natural to want to feel accepted and strong. When I hit someone or picked on them and hurt them, I was no longer the victim. It made people laugh and others look up to me. I became a bully. From there it just got worse.

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