I'm Not Okay...............and I'm Okay with That!

When I first got sober, I could not stand myself. Every time that I looked into the mirror, all I could say about the guy staring back was that he was an addict, junkie, convict and a horrible person. I knew that there were so many people out there that were better than he would ever be. Because of that, my self-esteem, self-confidence and self-image were horrible.

I knew that I was not okay, and I hated that. I was not just riddled with guilt about my past, I was drowning in shame about my present. I could not see any reason that anyone would like me. I knew that I did not want to go back to prison, so I stopped doing drugs and started drinking. I stopped drugs but became an alcoholic with rage issues that measured my current happiness based on the person I was currently sleeping with.

I could still numb and escape from myself and my past, while doing something that was far more socially acceptable and main stream than the methamphetamines and opiates I had once abused. The problem was that I was trapped in my addiction still. It had just changed names. I have shifted addictions several times, from drugs/sex/money/power to alcohol and sex. From there I shifted to sobriety and food. I am still working on the comfort eating that I once relied on and have been making progress.

The real problem was accepting me not only for who I am today but for who I once was. They never told me that sobriety was not a magical cure. I would get sober, and suddenly I would be happy and content. That worked at first, but after 6 months of listening to people relive their “glory days” and tell war stories or talk about how miserable their lives were now that they were clean and sober “but still better than it used to be” I went back out. If there was no real hope for relief from my misery why would I want to clean up at all?

I had done horrible things that I could not forgive myself for. Making amends from people in my past and present was the easy part. With other people things were easy. You can lie to other people. The problem was that the man in the mirror knew the truth about me, and I could not convince that man in the mirror that I was a good person like other people I now knew.

I thought that recovery was all about building a new life, putting the past behind you and living the amazing fulfilling life that “normal” people live. It took me a while to discover that all of that was not true. Here are some things that led to me having a better outlook on my life.

1. I should never compare myself to anyone else. If I know one thing, it is that I would make a horrible anyone else. I can make the best me possible, so that is my goal. 
2. I am an addict and will always be an addict. That is not a bad thing, it just means that I cannot use drugs or alcohol responsibly and they will therefore not be used by me…..ever 
3. Life is not all rainbows and cotton candy. Life is lollipops and lemon drops. It is sweet and sour, happy and sad, positive and negative not just for you but for everyone. Whether it is the best or worst day you have ever had, it will soon pass. 
4. No one is truly okay. Everyone has problems, there is no one perfect not one. You can, however, have a perfectly normal life once you realize that life is not perfectly normal. 
5. Every one of my past mistakes or traumas has given me both wisdom and strength. I would not be who I am today if not for every single event that I have ever lived through. 
6. I embrace the positives AND the negatives. They all have led me to where I am today, and I like where I am at. It may not be where I want to be but it is many steps in the right direction from where I once was. 
7. The world is imperfect, and it leads to follow that the people in it have imperfections. I am one of those imperfect people. 

There is perfection in me. I was made to be the best possible me I can be. I have come to realize that I am shattered………………….perfectly shattered. These realizations led me to one conclusion, no one is truly okay.

Over the course of my life I have been friends with some talented people: inventors, doctors, counselors, pastors, scientists, etc. I have also been friends with some people who were well off financially: politicians, lawyers, trust fund kids, business owners, etc. I have also been friends with drug addicts, convicts, homeless people and those working for minimum wage.

 They all had some things in common. Every single one of them had days they were happy and days they were depressed. They all at times felt self-worthy and at other times lacked self-esteem. One day they might feel successful just to wake up the next day feeling like they had not lived up to their potential. In the end, no one I have ever met was perfect.

In fact, in all my life I have only read about one perfect person and it was not you. I realized that no one is okay, 24/7. I am just as imperfect as everyone else on this planet. It took me a long time to be able to say this, but here goes. I AM NOT OKAY, and I am okay with that!