Why Me....How can I make peace with my past? Part 1

I spent most of my day not forgiving and passing judgement on myself after I stopped abusing drugs. I would look into the mirror and all I would see staring back at me was a drug addict and a convict. I saw someone that I dispised and disliked. Staring back at me was the person that no one trusted and would never need. I saw no purpose to my life. All I knew was the first 3 decades of my life had left me with nothing to show but scars, a criminal record, a swath of broken people, lies and heartaches. Iwas hopeless, broken and defeated! All I knew was I was off of drugs,.................and life was miserable.

I eventually turned to alcohol to drown my sorrows. It made me forget how horrible I felt. Suddenly I was right back where I started. I had "friends" and I was always out doing things. I was always with people, but I was still miserable. At best, I would drink to inebriation and have momentary lapses of memory. I would briefly forget who I was and what I had done in the past and have a good time. Then I would sober up and remember who I was again. Then I would have to get drunk so that I could forget again for a few hours.

Looking back, it was a vicious cycle that was created. I wanted to get off of the merry-go-round and I couldn't get it to stop. Honestly, most of my friends were not really even my friends.  Most of the things I did endangered my safety and had the potential to hurt and even kill other people. I would randomly sleep with anyone and everyone, sometimes multiple people at one party. I would fight anyone at the drop of a hat.

Worse yet, I would get behind the wheel of a car blitzed. I would wake up at home and have no recollection of how I got there. I would drive a 3,000 pound bullet around, playing Russian roulette with the lives of everyone on the roads, in the ditches and on the sidewalks. I have woke up unable to find my car and found it flipped over several times in a field later that afternoon. I am blessed to have never killed anyone in all of my drinking and driving while blacked out episodes. I would not want to live with that, because I know a couple of people that do.

What follows will explain how my life was when I was clean. I was working full-time and kept the same job for 6 1/2 years. I started college at 29 and got an Associates degree, 2 Bachelors degrees and a Masters degree over the next 7 years. I graduated with honors. I went out nearly every night with friends and more nights than not everyone came back to my house for an afterparty. I should have been happy. I had more friends than I could count and if you were looking at me you would have thought that I was on top of the world.

The truth was that I still hated myself. I was still miserable. I would be in a room full of people and I still felt all alone. I felt that I had to put on airs and not admit who I was and what I had done or I would not have any friends. I looked at all of the choices that I had made in my past, the things that I had done to myself and other people and I could not admit that I had been that person. I could not forget all of the things that other people had done to me; from abuse as a child to overdosing and dying in front of me to stealing from me to trying to kill me.

All I could do was ask myself one question.......WHY ME?????