Nichols' 4th Law

Nichols' 4th Law says that you should, "Avoid any action with an unacceptable outcome." This is about as straight forward as you can get, but it probably still needs to be broken down. There are those who choose not to accept anything and argue against everything. I would call them naysayers, but they don't really run around saying "nay" so I guess that title is out. I will call them funsuckers, because they have the ability to enter into any conversation and suck the fun right out of it.

In fact, here they are now.................

Ummmm, now.....................................................

Okay, now?

"Every thing can have an unacceptable outcome, so I guess this means we should do nothing. Is that what you are telling us?"

"Yes, that is exactly what I am telling you. Do nothing. Nothing at all. That shouldn't be hard, right?"

"I do nothing all the time."

"Untrue, doing nothing is impossible. I dare say you are not factually reporting. Care to argue that you do nothing?"

"I don't do anything when I sleep, so there,"spoken with outstretched tongue!

"Actually, you are dreaming, breathing and your muscles are repairing themselves while you are sleeping. Just an FYI, sleeping is not doing nothing. Sleeping is definitely doing something. So is sitting, standing, laying down, playing video games, etc. You are always using muscles and you have neurons firing electrical impulses. Do you have anything else? I thought not."

Now it is true you can do just about anything and have a negative outcome. It is also possible that you can do just about anything and have a positive outcome. Case in point, I heard about a guy who took ecstasy for the first time and was hit by a semi. It was deemed the semi's fault, and the guy who took the ecstasy was awarded $3 million. I would not recommend going out and taking ecstasy to get rich just because of that one occurrence. That is a random, chance occurrence that is highly improbable.

So what we are talking about is outcomes that are likely. We mean you should not be taking any actions that make unacceptable outcomes probable. Here are several example:

1. I don't want to get into a bar fight. Going to bars could lead to this outcome, which I have deemed unacceptable. Therefore I do not go to bars. "That doesn't mean you won't get into any fights, just because you don't go to bars," yells the cynic. "True," I reply, "but the fights I get into won't be bar fights. If it's in a house, it will be a house fight. If it's in the street it will be a street fight, but there is zero probability it will be a bar fight because I do not go to bars."
2. Imagine I don't want to have a baby. I know that having sex can produce babies. In fact, it is one on a very short list of ways babies are created, and the only way for it to happen unplanned. If I have sex and I do not want/am not ready for children, then it could produce an unacceptable outcome so I will not have sex.
3. I don't want to go to jail. I know there are multiple things that could cause me to go to jail. They range from murder to theft to doing drugs and on and on. I make sure, to the best of my ability, that I follow the law.

So, what is Nichols' 4th Law? It is using logic and common sense to make informed, positive  choices. Using rational thinking and a process of elimination/deduction, you look at the possible LIKELY outcomes of an action before you engage in it. If the outcomes are acceptable, then you take action. If the probable outcomes are not acceptable, then you do not.

I used a hybrid of this that I call, "The 1 Rule That Changed My Life." Before I would engage in something, I would ask myself these 3 questions:

1. If my son or daughter was standing here, would I say or do this?
2. If Jesus was standing here, would I say or do this?
3. Is this something I want my son or daughter to do?

If I could not answer yes to all three of these questions, I had no business doing it myself. I get more indepth with the explanation of the rule here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/10/1-rule-that-changed-my-life.html

Let us use "The 1 Rule that Changed My Life" with drug usage. For starters, do you want your children to watch you doing drugs? Would you get high if you were standing next to Jesus? Finally, do you want your children to do drugs when they grow up? Not will they experiment or will they do drugs, but do you want them to? If your answer to any of these questions is no, then you should not do drugs. So I know I should not do drugs. How do I most readily accomplish this?

Nichols' 4th Law states that I should avoid any action that would make me doing drugs a possibility. I know that being around people who do drugs and going to places where drugs are abundant could enable me to use drugs. Therefore, I avoid playgrounds and playmates where drugs are likely to be in use. It is that simple. If I am not around drugs they are hard for me to do. If I do not do them and my kids know I don't do them, they are less likely to use themselves. That is what I call a win/win situation.

That is why Nichols' 4th Law is important; it forces us to think before we act. So I hope that you can apply this law to your life. After all, it makes you think. What could be more important than that?

Pride: Getting Over Myself

I have weekly supervision with my supervisor. Every Thursday, from 7:30-8:30 we meet and discuss how my clients are doing as well as how I am doing. Last week when I met with her I let my feelings get hurt. She gave me some feedback last Thursday, and I did not care for it. There were two things that I could have done from that point. Maybe more, but at least two. One is less common, the other is the reaction most people have.

Instead of taking the less beaten path, I took the one most traveled. I took it personally. I let my pride kick in. She was a horrible person. How dare her confront what I had been doing for years. Who did she think she was? How dare her tell me how to do my job! I know that I am good at what I do. I have had so many clients come back and thank me later when I see them. My clients exit interviews were almost always great and why shouldn't they have been.

I take pride in my work. I am good at what I do. I have lived the life of addiction and now I live a life of recovery. I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and Sociology. One of those is the study of  the human brain and human behavior. The other is studying how people interact together and why they do it. Then I have a Master's degree in Social Work. I am an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). Finally, I have compassion for those who have struggles because I once had struggles too!

I have a heart for it, the education for it and I have lived it. That is a trifecta, the triple crown of substance abuse/recovery treatment. That is what was going through my brain as I walked out of her office. I bit my tongue, nodded when I was supposed to and finished the hour with her. I left her office mad. Thankfully, I have acquired  many skills over the years. One of those is thinking rationally. Here is how it works.

1. I replayed what she had said
2. I really thought about what she had said.
3. I assessed what she said, looking at both ends of the spectrum. One end, my irrational thought and the other end the best possible reason she could have said what she did to me.
4. I then looked at my reaction to it and if my reaction was rational or irrational
5. I realized my thought process was irrational and so was my initial reaction
6. I realized that what she said was meant to help me become better at what I do.

What I realized is that I am employed and I do not feel at any risk of losing my job. So how could it be possible that I suck at my job and she was pointing that out to me? Furthermore, I work with very adept counselors yet she also meets with them for an hour of supervision every week. Does she only have positive things to say to them, or does she also give them feedback on their job performance?

Rationally, I realized that what she said was not meant to be taken personally. In fact, I know that she has good things to say about me to other staff and partners in our community. Based on that, she obviously feels that I am proficient at my job. That said, she also realizes that I could be doing better. There are a couple of areas that I need to improve and she wants to see the clients get the most out of their time in our services.

What also helps this process is realizing who I am, who I was and how I think. I automatically take things personally at first. Part of that is because I was an addict, physically/sexually abused and struggled with depression/self-esteem issues most of my life. I thought I was a piece of junk and deserved everything that I got. It took a while to get over that, and I would argue I never fully will.

When someone gives criticism I take it to heart. It does not even have to be directed at me. It can be non-directed but I will take it as being a slam at me because I  hear it or read it and feel it applies. Thankfully, I have realized that due to my past I often don't think rationally. I have learned to play things through in my head before I take them to heart.

I am not perfect and there are a lot of different approaches to deal hope and empower people to live better lives. I can take feedback, both directly and indirectly, sift through what I can use and discard the rest. In the end, I am thankful for her feedback. It was not meant to be taken personally. It was only meant to help me grow. Hopefully having an open mind only allows me to become better at what I do. That is why I had to get over myself and remember that I am not perfect.