There are not a lot of things out there that really worry me anymore. I have found that as my sobriety and spiritual walk have coalesced into recovery I have gotten really good at letting go and letting God. There are some times that I don’t have enough hours in the day and things get placed on the backburner, but I have come to accept these as part of a normal life. I have a relatively stress-free life when you look at everything I do.
Today, I am not feeling that stress-free. In fact, for the last couple of days I have been feeling large amounts of stress. It has to do with a lot of things out of my control and others that are in my control but that could be impacted by things out of my control. There are multiple issues I have coming at me currently.
First thing is the thing fully out of my control. I just got off of vacation and spent a couple of my days off in the hospital. I am seeing a surgeon on Friday to schedule gallbladder surgery. Due to a previous surgery for a hernia, it is possible I could have scar tissue built up that could make it impossible for them to do laparoscopic surgery. IF they can do laparoscopic I might only be out for a few days. If there is scar tissue I could be out for 4-6 weeks. That is a difficult one for me to swallow for multiple reasons.
I am busy. I know that a lot of people are busy, but I have a full plate. I have two children to raise and a family I need to give the personal time they deserve, building both my recovery and my relationship with Christ, a full time job, starting a non-profit, leading up 3 large community events that I am grateful to have teams helping me with, a weekly blog, a monthly community service project, a conference presentation next month, leading a step study, being the assimilation coach at Glendale’s Celebrate Recovery coupled with public speaking, teaching at CR meetings and sitting on two boards plus needing to finish writing my book. I am busy.
This surgery has me realizing that I am human and once I have the surgery my juggling act is out of commission for a little bit. I cannot always keep umpteen balls in the air at all times without having some of them fall. That is reality for most people. In my world, that reality is unacceptable. I cannot let people down or fulfill my roles. That was the guy I was in addiction and I cannot ever be that guy again. That is the hard part for me to let go of.
No matter how far I am from the guy I used to be, I find that I still judge myself and the people’s perception of me based on who I was years ago in my addiction. I am so afraid that I will let people down and they will see me as a fake. I know that I am not fake. I know that I am not the person I used to be. I realize who I am today and that this is the person most people see when they look at me, but there are times that my depression and anxiety get the best of me and the last two days have been that way.
I realize the insanity of this thinking, but at times it is pervasive and convincing. This past week, as I realized that I may be out for 4-6 weeks due to the surgery if the scar tissue exists really hit me. If I am out that long, I have some major issues coming up:
1. I am out of work for a month without that much PTO and my bills will still be due.
2. I love going to White Water and Silver Dollar City with my family every week and that will not happen for a while.
3. I have a planning meeting that I may not be able to lead.
4. I have a training I may not be able to go to.
5. I may miss CR for a couple of weeks and not be able to volunteer like I normally do for a while there or in the community.
6. I still need several large sponsors and donors for the events.
7. I need to get people registered and tickets sold for the events and it is getting down to the wire.
I need to, I have to, I must……………………………………..
Stop!
Breathe!
Think!
Will it be 2 days or 4 weeks, who knows? The surgeon will probably not know until the day of surgery. Have bills always gotten paid somehow? Of course they have, and they will this time too. I will still have time with my family. It might not be the most fun time we have shared together, but we will still be together and that is more than a lot of families have. I have people who can step up and fill in for me at work, with the non-profit planning committee and at CR.
Sponsors, donors, registration and tickets? I give that one to God and I pray that the teams who are working on the events continue to do the amazing jobs that they have been doing and everything will work out fine!
I need to slow my roll and remember all I have to be grateful for. I have an amazing wife, 2 great kids, a job that treats me like family and some really good people in my life. I am blessed and there is no surgery that will change all that I have in my life. I know this, but sometimes I have to remind myself about it.
In recovery and my faith I have made monumental changes and the person I am today is the person people see when they look at me. The problem is not the way people see me, but instead the way I am afraid that people see me. I judge myself harshly, not every one else. At times that is the hardest thing to remember. When I remember all of this I can let go and let God do what He does best, which is continue making me a better person!
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