Monday, May 12, 2014

Why We Relapse/How We Recover

I was an addict for a long time. I was an addict for a quarter of a century. People would ask me why I would continue to use, after all that I had been through. I have overdosed several times, gotten my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning, died after running my car off of a cliff while intoxicated, gone to jail countless times as well as prison.

People who had never struggled with an addiction did not understand why I continued to use. Why I would swear to stop and then be using a couple of days later. Why I attempted to commit suicide, slashing my wrists and being found unconscious in a pool of blood, because I saw no end to my addiction. Why I could go through residential and outpatient treatment and immediately relapse.

The main reason because as much as I started using to feel awesome, in the end my life was anything but. People who don’t know addiction believe a fallacy. They think that addicts use because it makes them feel good, awesome, amazing!! The truth was I never felt amazing anymore. By the time you are an addict or alcoholic, you always feel bad. Using just helped me feel less bad. I did not want to feel miserable and stay in bed all day. I wanted to get out of bed and do things: make money, sleep around, get into fights, feel powerful, etc. Now I know why.

My addiction had depleted the levels of several neurotransmitters that are responsible for feelings of happiness and joy. The only way I could get those levels up was to use. They would skyrocket, then they would drop back down to subnormal levels and the only way to not feel chronic depression was to use again.  I could sometimes get the neurotransmitters released by engaging in other activities as well, such as having sex, fighting, hustling so I would do those things also.

The truth was I was miserable even when I was using. I often felt all alone and I would use that as an excuse to use. I might be at a party with 50 people, but I felt completely and utterly alone. Maybe it was due to my past abuse coupled with the low self-esteem and self-confidence that I could only raise through chemical enhancement. Nothing I tried ever got me over that.

Yet I am over it, you are thinking if you either know me or follow my writings. I am over that because I discovered 5 Pillars of Recover and a secret ingredient that makes recovery all the better.

1.       Higher Power – I found Jesus. Not that He was lost, but I actually became receptive to giving God a chance after being an atheist for over 25 years. Funny thing, He worked where everything else failed. Bottom line, find something greater than you that can grant you forgiveness and hope.

2.       Sponsor or Mentor – Find someone living their life the way you would like live yours, someone whose life you would want to have in 5 years. Ask them if they will help guide you to attaining what they have, then shut up and listen!

3.       12 Steps or the Bible – Find a game plan that will help you live our life the way you want it to be and then do it. The steps and the Bible only work if you apply them to your life. I work the 12 Steps like everyone else I know in programs, but my Big Book is a little different. Combining the Bible and the 12 Steps has helped me get to where I am today. And my life keeps getting better!

4.       Accountability Partners – Find people who will help you stay on track. That means positive people who will encourage you to do better, praise you when you do well and call you out quick when you are slipping.

5.       Meetings – I don’t care if you go to AA (Alcoholic’s Anonymous), NA (Narcotic’s Anonymous), Al-Anon or CR (Celebrate Recovery) as long as you go consistently. These are groups where you will be surrounded by people who desire the same thing you do. There will be positive and negative people at these meetings. I encourage you to choose the positive ones. Volunteer to do things at these meetings. Making yourself necessary to them will insure that you continue attending them.

Bonus - Community Service – You might be able to be sober and in recovery without this, but I doubt it. Community service connects you back to the community which in turn helps you accomplish multiple things. It helps you regain the sense of belonging you may have lost to those around you while reducing the stigma you and others may view your recovery with.

I hope that this helped those of you who may be struggling to understand relapses and why they happen. For those of you either in addiction or recovery, I hope that the 5 Pillars will allow you to build a solid foundation for you to build a better life upon.

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