Songs of Recovery - I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

When I first began listening to worship music, I heard a song from the singer/song writer Brandon Heath that was entitled, “I’m Not Who I Was.” As soon as I heard it, I adopted it as my recovery anthem. It was also my mantra as a new Christian who was recently saved. I was able to totally relate to this song. If you have never heard it, you will soon see why this was my anthem. The song starts off:

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

I could only imagine the look on the faces of the people that I used to know if they were able to see me now that I have been transformed. Much like the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan, I had a very ugly life style that has been changed into what I would consider a much better way to live. I am certain that most of society would agree with me that my life is lived better now.

If people from my past could see me now, the way that I talk and live my life would be all that was needed to show them how different I am now. Even people from 3 years ago acknowledge the differences that they see in me.

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

One of the major changes is my anger and my attitude. I used to be mad at you is an understatement. I used to be mad at everybody. They were either preaching at me, wanting me to change or in my paranoia I thought that they were trying to take advantage of me. I was not only angry, I was hurt. Now that I have gotten sober and saved, there have been fundamental changes that have occurred.

The reason there have been fundamental changes is that my viewpoint has changed. I realize that much of what I was angry and hurt by was often people who wanted better for me. It was not that they did not like who I was, they did not like the person I had become. Looking back, I cannot really blame them. I was not a good person, no matter how much I tried to act like. I did token good things with my money, but my heart and my conscience were anything but good. Sugar coating does not change what is beneath.

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I have forgiven people that I will probably never see again. They will probably never know that I was never really mad at them, unless they read this blog (If you are one of those people, leave a comment or drop me an email so that we can talk). It is not so much forgiving people as it is realizing that I was the one at fault.

I have ended friendships out of anger when I was really angry at myself, or I was tired of seeing disappointment in their eyes that might or might not have been imagined every time that they looked at me. I was mean and hateful because I was coming down, or I had just gotten out of jail, or just got screwed over by somebody else and took it out on them. There are so many reasons......................

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

I am prone to laughter when I see the 150 pound meth addict that I used to be. When I see my old pictures it is either laugh or cry. I was a cute kid, and my addiction aged me slightly but it changed me. I have best friends now see pictures of me from high school and they ask who the pictures are of. They are not being nice, I have changed!

I see the people who were my “friends” in my addiction and I know that they did not love me for who I was. My friends were my friends when I was an addict because of several reasons: I had money, I had drugs, I would give them drugs for free or cheap so they could get a hustle on, I gave them a place to sleep, I would buy them food and cigarettes, I would let them take advantage of me, I had a vehicle, they were scared of me/intimidated by me, they wanted to sleep with me or they wanted to sleep with my girlfriend. Never for who I was, but what was in it for them. Sad, sad, sad, but oh so true.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Even though we make changes in our lives, we still have things that have happened in the past and things that happen today that will hurt us and cause us pain. In my past, everything was someone else’s fault. I would feel pain and it would make me strike out at others. This changed in my recovery, as when old situations would arise (new ones too) I would look at the part that I played in them. This was progress. My old friend was blame. Not accepting responsibility kept me sick. If I did not do it, I could not change it. When I accept responsibility, I can then make positive changes!

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was the exact opposite of this. In my addiction I thought that I could sing. I found out in my sobriety that I could not. It was kind of embarrasing when I realized that I could not sing nearly as well as I thought that I could. I had always been encouraged to sing, but those people were as out of it and as fake as I was. I can carry a tune, but it is done with a voice that cracks at all the wrong places. Sobering reality!

The second part of this verse shows the difference in some of us in our addictions. I wanted no one around me when I was an addict. I would chase people away. If someone told me that they loved me, I would break up with them. If they were sick enough to love someone like me, I wanted nothing to do with them. Now, I know that I am worth loving and I have something to offer a partner. No doubt, I am not who I was!

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

I have a lot of people in my past that I feel I owe apologies to that I will never see again. I have not forgotten them, nor how I have wronged them. I have instead thought that living my life well and trying to help other’s live their lives well is the best way that I can make amends. I also think that they may read my blogs or my upcoming book, or see me giving my testimony and see the changes that I have made. I do not regret what I have done, because it has made me who I am. That said, I have done things that were messed up and wrong. I just have realizes that I cannot beat myself up about the past. I cannot change the past, I can only make positive changes in today. Therefore, today is where I stay.

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

My favorite line of the song! Amazing grace is truly that, amazing. I have written a blog already about the song Amazing Grace, which you can find here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/08/songs-of-recovery-amazing-grace-my.html Grace is both unmerited favor and being given the ability to carry out the will of God. As I continued on in my recovery and in my relationship with Christ, I found that I was undeserving of the grace that I received. I surely did not deserve favor from God. At the same time, I realized that I deemed others as unworthy of getting grace. I would look at many with animosity and would not forgive them when they wronged me.

As I grew, I found that if I were given favor by God and the ability to carry out His will, then surely that would mean I needed to forgive others and give others favor that were undeserving in my eyes. As I began to give other’s the grace that I was blessed to receive, I stopped seeing others as undeserving and gained an ability to see others for who they could be. That is what love is about, giving people the compassion, hope and faith they need. This allows them to become who they were meant to be, instead of remaining who they are. God blessed me, and to thank Him I should follow what He deems important. He said that love never fails! So I share my success with others and believe that they too can make positive changes.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

This is a great way to finish this blog. I do hope that this site with all it contains and my life itself allow people to see the changes that have been made thanks to the Holy Spirit working in and through me. I do not just talk about it, I am about it. If you want to see different, look at how I lived my life as recently as 3 years ago and how I live it today. Guarantee that you will see one thing: I’M NOT WHO I WAS!!!!!!!!!!!