Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Scriptures of Recovery - Romans 7: 15

I have actually tried to quit using and living a life of debauchery several times. I had quit doing illegal drugs, but had fallen back on alcohol. Even though at one time I was determined to never drink or do drugs again, I was only partially successful. I engaged in a lot of conduct that I tried to stop doing, but I would always repeat it.

I swore to quit fighting and to quit drinking and driving. I would go so far as to give my keys to friends at the bar and tell them not to give them back to me, only to end up trying to fight them to get my keys back so that I could drive. I would black out with regularity and swear that I would never get "that" drunk again. I tried only drinking beer, only to get drunk and stop on the way home and buy a fifth.

I was not able to follow through on my best intentions. I would start with my best interest at heart, but would always fall short. I have done this my entire life. I would stop selling drugs, only to fall behind on bills and have to hustle to make the money. I would swear to not get serious in a relationship for a while, to take it slow. Then I would move her into my house after we had dated for a week..........or less than a week.

When I got off of drugs but continued drinking, I knew that I was not alone. But I did not feel like a "normal" person. I figured that only drug addicts and drunks had these problems. I thought that everyone else was able to follow through with their goals. I figured that most people, when they committed to something, accomplished it.

When I first went to church, Cal (New Life Churches pastor at the time) read from Romans 3. It interested me enough to continue reading. Imagine my delight when I got to Romans 7 and began to read about my plight. Here was a verse that described my life experiences.

Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

Wow, there I was in a nutshell. I want to do the right thing, but I was unable to. I wanted to set a good example for my son to follow, but I was better at setting goals than accomplishing them. It is kind of like when I play pool. I can call the greatest shots; bank this one in the side pocket, two rails off the 9, eight ball in the corner, etc. I can call them, but I sure cannot sink them. I called a great game, but I was unable to complete it.

I lived my life that way, too. Much better at telling you the positive things that I was going to do than actually doing them. My follow through was a mess, and I wondered why. In this passage Paul describes the mental struggle that I had with my life. "I do not understand" is exactly how I felt, and it was frustrating and anxiety inducing. When you want something that you know is achievable yet are unable to attain it, it can be overwhelming.

In verses 18-19 Paul continues to explain the struggle, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing."

"Nothing good lives in me," he says. That means that sin lives inside of us. We have been born into a sinful world. As an addict, my first thought is wrong. In fact, my first 5 thoughts are wrong when I first got clean. I felt compelled to do the wrong thing, and I was fighting a losing battle! Why was I fighting a losing battle? Because sin dwelt inside of me, and all that I had to fight it off was myself. I could not win. What could I possibly do as an Agnostic to live my life differently?

I tried Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, substance abuse residential and then outpatient treatment, individual counseling and medication management through a psychiatrist. None of that worked. At the end of the day, I was still a convict and an addict. I could not forgive myself. I was unable to stop doing the wrong thing. So, what can we as humans born into sin do?

Romans 8:5 states, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desire."

There it is, in simple to understand language. "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what nature desires." That is us following our carnal nature, the sin that resides in us. The Holy Spirit is able to set us free from our nature of sin. It can change first thought wrong into first thought right. I went from reveling in my sins and self-condemnation to living as a positive example overnight, just by accepting Christ into my life.

Since I prayed and accepted Christ, I have not drank, smoked, fought, had pre-marital sex and take no medication for my mental health. Instantly transformed.  I consider my transformation a miracle, and all the proof that I need that God does exist!



Romans 8:9 sums up how I feel today, "You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God live in you."

I still have desires on occasion. The difference is that when I have these desires, they come and then they go. They are fleeting at best, and I have a strong support system that I can use when they do occur. What is also different is that the obsession is gone. I do not think about drugs/sex/anger 24 hours a day and 7 days a week like I used to.

My thoughts of wrongdoing are now gone in the blink of an eye, and that is how I like it. I will get more into why those thoughts are fleeting and why it is understandable if the desire still pops up occasionally in the next Scripture of Recovery, which will be 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.

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