Help Me Decimate Stigma and Share Hope

Stigma is a two-edged sword for those who struggle with mental health and substance abuse issues, even after they have found recovery. Not only is there the judgment directed at those who are in recovery, but the shame that comes from hiding struggles out of fear of what other people will think and say. Our goal is to help reduce that stigma and educate communities on the fact that addiction treatment and mental health services can enable those with a mental and/or substance use disorder to live a healthy and rewarding life.

September is National Recovery Month. National Recovery Month highlights individuals who have reclaimed their lives and are living happy and healthy lives in long-term recovery and also honors the prevention, treatment, and recovery service providers who make recovery possible. Together, we can spread the hope of recovery and reduce the stigma in our community. It will take making the community more aware of those in recovery and the successes they are celebrating. We cannot do this unless we cross lines by having multiple agencies and recovery organizations work together so that our voice is so loud it cannot be ignored.

Community awareness will take a joint effort of passionate organizations and individuals working together to hold events and celebrations. The vision is to have multiple events in 2014 where individuals in recovery volunteer and give back in their community, events where they simply go out and have fun as well as events that raise public awareness and educate the community so they are more informed and less judgmental. We will be forming committees to help plan:

·         5K Recovery Run/Walk 10K Run to be held in September

·         2^nd Annual Recover the River float trip on the James River to pick up trash on the banks in September

·         2^nd Annual Recovery in the Park BBQ and Fun Day for those who are in recovery or work with people in recovery, thanking them for their hard work in September 

·         A multidisciplinary forum at Missouri State to educate students as well as individuals in our community better on substance abuse, mental illnesses and recovery for recovery month

·         Bimonthly Community Service Events giving back to the communities we live in

This past Saturday was the first meeting. I introduced my vision for ways to reduce stigma and celebrate recovery for the year 2014. We discussed Recovery Day at Hammonds Field. It will be on Friday, the 29th of August at the last Cardinal's home game and be a kick off for Recovery Month in September. I am super excited about this event and will need all the help I can get selling tickets. The more tickets we sell the better. It is for people in recovery, their families and friends, people who work with those who struggle with a mental and/or substance use disorder and those who believe in reducing the stigma they face. The tickets will be available for $10 and people can make tax deductible contributions to sponsor families and individuals that might not otherwise be able to come due to finances. Whoever sells the most tickets can either throw out the first pitch or nominate someone to throw the first pitch.

An enthusiastic team formed immediately and stayed after the meeting to discuss the 5K/10K event. This event will require the most planning. The name and date for the run are currently being discussed and the current team members have already been exchanging thoughts and ideas. We will have to wait until the next meeting to hear more about how that event planning is going. We should have a date in the next meeting but it was looking like the first Saturday in September.  

Several other committees are also in the formation stage:

There is a plan for a multidisciplinary forum to be held at Missouri State during National Recovery Month. We have had several professors that have agreed to take the lead on that event. 

The 2nd annual Recovery in the Park BBQ this year and the committee for that event also was started. 

The 2nd annual Recover the River Float and Clean Day committee began formation. There is also a member of the Watershed Committee of the Ozarks involved with promoting the event.

 The community service projects were discussed but will need further discussion. Our hope is to have a large scale community service project that will be done every other month throughout the year helping The Kitchen, Victory Mission, Habitat for Humanity, the Salvation Army, local schools, OACAC, Convoy of Hope, the Springfield Park and Springfield Greenways to name a few of those discussed. 

We had representatives there from multiple agencies and organizations, including Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, several recovery organizations that prefer to remain anonymous, Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, Higher Ground, Hand Extended Outreach, Jericho Commission, Ozark Counseling Center, Glendale Christian Church, Ridgecrest Baptist Church, James River Assembly, North Point, DWI Court, Drug Court, the RPG Grant, Better Life in Recovery, Missouri Recovery Network, Missouri State University, Evangel University, an attorney, and several local business owners.

I was also invited to share the presentation with the Recovery Coalition of the Ozarks on February 3^rd, which I am super excited to do. I am so ready to start sharing hope and destroying stigma here in Southwest Missouri. I know that other areas are doing it well and I cannot wait until we are getting more positive publicity than negative publicity from the press when it comes to stories on people who struggle with a mental and/or substance use disorder.

We need sponsors, donations, volunteers and other miscellaneous help. Our next meeting is on Saturday, February 22^nd from 1-3. If you are interested in filling a need or helping organize or know of someone who is please get a hold of me. If you need me to come and talk about this with your group or organization locally let me know and I am there. Together we can make 2014 a year that encourages and gives hope to those who struggle with mental and/or substance use disorder and begin decimating the stigma they face on a daily basis!

I Apologize (A formal apology)

Last night I got out of my car to return a Red Box movie. The car next to me had it's stereo pumping with no driver inside. He/She had gone in to get something, leaving their car running with the windows down and the stereo on full blast. The music coming from the stereo was some old school chopped and screwed remix that I used to listen to back in the day. I heard it, and I was instantly embarrassed for the families pulling up with children due to the language and subject matter of the song. That embarrassment led me to write this apology letter to you today.

You see, pulling up beside you with my stereo blasting while I listened to music was what I did. My music was about drugs, sex and violence. It contained the "f" bomb in a place of importance based on the frequency it was repeated. I would have windows down and sit next to you at a red light, or leave my car running while I ran inside somewhere just so you and your family would have to listen. I could care less about you and yours. I didn't even care about me. This is one of my more minor offenses, but I apologize.

I was not a bad looking kid in school, and I took advantage of it. When we were in a relationship I was always on the look out for the next cute girl. I knew I was up to no good and headed for even worse things in the future and I tried to bring you down with me. I cheated on you, used you, lied to you in order to get what I wanted and treated you as unimportant compared to my friends, my drugs and my drinking. The truth is, when I met you all I saw was a challenge and another notch on my bedpost. For all the times I dumped you for another girl, cheated on you with your friends and sisters, used you as a one night stand and lied to you about anything and everything I apologize.

I was a drug user, drug dealer, alcoholic and all around party guy. I would serve you extra strong drinks to get you drunker quicker so that the money would start rolling freer. I got you high for the first time and encouraged you to try harder drugs so that I could make money. I got you high for free when you were trying to get clean in return for your Narcotic's Anonymous key tag. I only gave you 40 cents on the dollar for food stamps in trade for drugs and I knew that you had a family at home to feed. I was greedy, and the more you got high the more I could get high and still have a pocket full of cash. I ruined your life and for that I am sorry.

I beat you up over money. Just because you owed me cash was no reason to hurt you. That time you tried to short me was no reason to do the damage that I did. I thought that I had to make an example and I went way too far to do it. Finally, just because you were with that cute girl I wanted was no reason to lay in to you, but I did that too. Looking back, all I can say is I should never have been that mean to you.

I mocked you because you believed in God. I used my lack of believe and faith in God to make me feel superior to you and I was never shy, especially as I got older and more bitter, to let you know it. I liked to poke fun at you about your fairy tale belief and blind faith. I took pride in finding you ill equipped to combat my agnosticism and knowledge. I tried to shake your faith and sometimes I did. Unfortunately, that happened often and I do not have the words to express my regret.

As I approach the 5 year anniversary of my recovery, I look at the carnage I left behind. I chased money, power, sex, drugs, pain........anything to escape my past. I prided myself on never hitting you because "I didn't hit girls" yet I would psychologically and emotionally abuse you non-stop, never realizing that my form of abuse was worse than hitting you. I took food stamps from you, never caring about the starving mouths at home because you were laid off and those food stamps were all you had to feed your family. I got you high for the first time, not caring that it led down a road that ended with you going to prison. Sometimes you died, either by your own hand, someone else's, an overdose or a car wreck after you left the party. I guess that makes it pretty hard for me to apologize to you know, but I am sorry.

I always justified my way of living. After all, you chose to be around me. You chose to be my friend. You chose to date me. You chose to be in debt to me. It was never my fault. You should have seen me coming. How could you not know who and what I was? I never pretended to be anything other than what I was, or did I? Besides, you would have done it anyway, or would you? I could read you, I was smart, I talked fast and lived life even faster. I made it look fun and attractive. That allowed me to talk you into doing things you generally never would have. I got you to go further than you wanted to. I helped you graduate from wine coolers to whiskey, alcohol to marijuana, marijuana to methamphetamine and from putting it up your nose to putting it in your veins. For that I beg your forgiveness.

Not to make excuses but just to explain a little about me, I had some problems. I don't know if you know this, but I was sexually abused by my babysitter when I was 4 then 5 and 6 and onward. Then my mom left my dad the first week of 5th grade and I lived with her dad. He abused me. He beat me so bad a couple of times that he called in to school for an entire week and told them I was sick so they would not see the bruises. I became violent. I learned to embrace pain and not show my emotion. I learned how to hide my true feelings and only show people what I wanted them to see, or sometimes what I thought they wanted to see.

Then I found drugs. Marijuana was the first thing I tried, and it made me a little numb and for the first time put me in a crowd that I felt I fit in to. Just like that, I was hooked. It progressed, as it often does, and my use became daily and the experimentation began. I found bigger and badder things to do. Ultimately, I became addicted to more. More money, more drugs, more alcohol, more women, more fighting, more crime, more partying, more, more, more. It didn't matter what it was, as long as I could temporarily escape my life or numb myself to everything around me. I graduated from probation to house arrest to prison, from low self-esteem to self-loathing to hating myself to botched suicides and from drinking to doing drugs to dealing drugs to manufacturing them. Nothing was ever enough.

I hated who I was, I could not stand me and nothing I could do changed that. I hid it, as I always have. I would never let down those walls for you. Sometimes I would tell you I was opening up, but I was lying. I was just telling you what I thought you wanted to hear, just enough to keep you in my life. Then, my dad committed suicide almost 6 years ago. My drinking spiraled even further out of control I raged and struck out at anyone and everyone I could. I broke up with my son's mother. For a while I was not allowed to see my son, then could only see him for a couple of hours at the park a week with his maternal side all standing guard as if I would snatch him and run. The truth is, I probably would have if they wouldn't have been there.

Because of this chaos and turmoil, my whole world shifted in the right direction almost a year after my dad's death. His death and not seeing my son left me raw, hurting and unable to hide behind walls like I had always done before. I had tried everything else and life still sucked, so I decided to give God a chance. It was not intentional, but instead come out of a foxhole prayer I prayed one night. Not going to lie, it was pretty awkward at first. I did not like church because it contained Christians. I hated Christians.  Christians were weak, fake, judgmental hypocrites that lived in fantasy land and there was no way I was going to drink their kool-aid. Then I found a group that changed my mind.

It was called Celebrate Recovery. It allowed me to work through my hurts, habits and hang ups while building relationships with God and the people around me. Through that program I found a relationship with Christ. I began to build real relationships with positive people that cared about me not what they could use me for. I learned to like who I was and realize that if not for my past I would not be the person I am today. Soon, I had hope again. The 31st of January will be the 5 year anniversary of drinking that kool-aid and entering into recovery. I am giving my testimony that week, and I wish you could actually be there to hear it. But I digress.

I hope you know that I truly am sorry. That is why I have put it on paper for anyone and everyone to read. Words cannot accurately express the depth of my apology, as I have damaged you in unfathomable ways. I know words are not enough, especially when put to paper and not spoken. Honestly, you are many and live all over the world. Sometimes I do not know your name, and due to head trauma and lifestyle there are months sometimes years of my life I do not remember so I would have missed some of the ways I had hurt you. I figured that writing it and posting it was the best way to make a blanket apology for all that I have done to you.

This apology is not just to you, though. I realize you were a son, daughter, mother, father, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, sister, brother and friend to other people and I apologize to them as well. If it is any consolation my days of being a soldier for Satan are over. I turned traitor and went to the other side.  I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope. Five years ago I decided to make my life a living amends; a dealer of hope reaching out to those who are suffering and struggling and I have been doing it ever since.

I know that does not change what I did in the past. It cannot make the wrongs right, but it is a start. I also know this apology doesn't change everything I did to you and the people you love. Those things all happened and I cannot take them back. But I cannot change the past, only my present and by proxy my future. That may not be enough for you. I understand you may never be able to forgive me after all I did to you and the people you care about. That is fair and those feelings you have are valid. That said, I hope this letter has found you doing well and living your life to the fullest.

It is my desire that some day you find it in your heart to forgive me if you cannot forgive me today. In the widest stretch of my imagination you read this then reach out to me and let me know how you are doing. You let me know this was heard and that you don't hate me. You might even tell me you forgive me. In closing, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon.

Marijuana: Colorado, Nancy Grace and Legalization.....oh my!

On the first day of January, Colorado legalized recreational marijuana usage. The voters came to the polls and their voices were heard. They wanted to be able to smoke marijuana.  That is of course their choice. I disagree with that, but there are ways to disagree and ways not to. I hope to disagree with the reasoning by providing arguments later that look at how marijuana legalization is predicated on misinformation. Nancy Grace recently did this the wrong way. 

Nancy Grace said that legalizing pot for recreational use was a bad idea. I agree. She then said that anyone who disagreed with her was, “lethargic, sitting on the sofa eating chips. Pot, it makes you fat and lazy.” She is labeling all people that use marijuana long-term as being fat and lazy. That is a misnomer, as there are skinny people who smoke cannabis. It does have a tendency to make people lose motivation and eat more. But not everybody, so that was a gross stereotype she used.

I personally feel that the voting may have been different in Colorado were it  not for the lack of factual reporting frequently done by organizations such as NORML as well as the grassroots movements that have been instrumental in the legalization of marijuana. They have statements and arguments they make which are based on fallacies and half-truths. Here are some of the more common ones:

Arguments for Legalization and the rational arguments against them

1.       Marijuana is not addictive – This is entirely not true. It may be less addictive than other drugs, but long-term usage of cannabis by people can result in addiction. There are physiological indicators of detoxification in long term users: irritability, sleeplessness, cravings and anxiety. Not to mention the clients I have had personally who would use knowing that they would go to jail for smoking, “but I could not help it. I have to have it.” I have even had a smoker sign their parental rights away because they could not stop smoking. That said, marijuana is not as addictive as some of the other drugs out there, but less addictive does not equate to non-addictive.

2.        Marijuana is just a plant – Yes it is just a plant, but people are not smoking ditch weed that grows wild in the woods. They are instead smoking cannabis from plants that have been genetically engineered to have high Delta 8 and Delta 9 contents. Delta 8 and Delta 9 are the chemicals that cause the “high” experienced by users. In the same way, cocaine and heroin are just plants. But they can be engineered chemically to get people high.

3.       Marijuana never killed anyone – Not directly but people die never the less. Example locally was a teenager who was shot on his porch in 2013 over a ¼ ounce of marijuana ($25-$50).

4.       Would you rather have someone behind the wheel drunk or high – Once again this argument pretends that there is not another choice. I choose a driver under the influence of neither. Just because something is less dangerous than something else does not mean that it is not dangerous.

5.       Marijuana is not dangerous like other drugs – Marijuana has been proven in tests to impact memory and learning. Does this happen in all people? I don’t know. I do know that cigarettes greatly increase the risk of getting cancer but not everyone who smokes cigarettes will get cancer. It just makes it more likely. And speaking of cancer………..

6.       Studies show marijuana cures cancer – Than obviously no one has cancer in Amsterdam, right? And of course no one who smokes marijuana has gotten cancer, right? Wrong to both. Marijuana does not cure cancer. If marijuana cured cancer then the big pharmaceutical companies would be all over it trying to get a patent on a chemical because they would make billions! Not that this is conclusive or well researched at all, but I have friends who are regular marijuana smokers and yet they have developed cancer.

7.       Marijuana is medicine - There are some chemical compounds, such as CMB, that have proven to be effective when working with various maladies. There are medicines already being used that treat various things like nausea and pain that are derived from marijuana. They have been FDA approved because they have medicinal use. Unfortunately most of the chemicals in cannabis don’t have medicinal value that we know of. In fact, some of them are bad for you as we see next. It is also impossible to know the amount of CMB and THC that one is getting when the chemical is smoked, which the FDA would need to know in order to be able to legalize it for medicinal use. Also, when looking at the studies where marijuana is smoked it seems very biased to be positive. I would ask several questions: What was the sample size? Were the findings statistically significant? Were the benefits subjective or objective? Were there groups that used a placebo, current treatment and another using nothing?? After all, when I am smoking marijuana I know it is marijuana and if I want to get high I would say it helped me feel better. 

8.       Marijuana isn’t bad for you like cigarettes – Marijuana contains over 50 carcinogens. A carcinogen is defined as a substance or agent causing cancer. People smoke marijuana unfiltered and hold it in longer than they do when smoking cigarettes so there is more time for the negative chemicals to negatively impact the lining of the lungs. There have been studies done linking cannabis to increased risk of bladder cancer, testicular cancer and lung cancer.  

9.       Marijuana legalization will cut down on crime – Gangs, distributors and the Mexican Mafia will be able to undercut severely the prices of legal, taxed marijuana. Because of this, they will continue to deal and may even increase their business once people who smoke recreationally become regular users and they chronic users. In Colorado people are waiting in 30 minute to 5 hour lines to buy it and it costs on average $64 an 1/8^th. That is $512 an ounce and $8,192 a pound. There are some cheap places selling it for $40-50 an 1/8^th, which is still $5,120-$6,400 a pound. To break that down, I used to get 10 pounds of marijuana delivered to me from Texas for $5000 -$12,000 depending on quality. That is $500-1,200 a pound. I could go get it myself and it was much cheaper. Tell me that with this type of money to be made the gangs and cartels won’t be all over it? It could possibly increase crime.

10.   It will cut down on the allure of using for youth and they will use less – Yes, as that has worked really well for alcohol and youth not using. Right now prescription pills are the biggest risk for youth, because of their accessibility. People at least keep pills in medicine cabinets or on them. Marijuana will be even easier for them to get because most people I knew who smoked keep it in a Frisbee or on a tray under their couch. We will make it easier for youth to obtain and it being legal will make it more obtainable and more socially acceptable. That sucks because chronic use in youth has proven negative consequences.

This is just a partial list of common arguments that are used and that in my experience and the experience of most in the field I work in that I have talked to have are not either honest or relevant. I hope that if nothing else this opens up some dialogue as I would be interested to hear other’s experiences and thoughts on this. Unfortunately, personal experience is considered anecdotal when it comes to research. Are there people who learn better while tripping acid? There may be, I personally knew one.  One, and that is not statistically significant and the long term consequences were not good.

In closing, thanks for reading and please make any comments, opinions and/or feedback cordial and G-Rated.

My Testimony for 2014 Celebrate Recovery

My name is David and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has been blessed with many trials and tribulations to work through. I guess that you could say that I am in recovery from the consequences of living in an imperfect, sinful world. We will get to all of that as we go. My testimony starts off the way far too many testimonies begin.

One of my first memories is being molested by a baby sitter from our church when I was 4. I was ridiculed and made fun of while being molested; laughed at and told how disgusting and bad I was. I remember while my parents were reading an article in the paper they had talked about a boy getting touched by an adult and how disgusting and sick it was. That is why I never told my parents. I didn’t want them to know I was disgusting, too.

Growing up my father was an alcoholic. My mother left him when I was in 5th grade and sent us to MO with her dad. My grandfather was highly abusive. I thought that I deserved it because he had found out about me being disgusting and sick. He would beat me than not let me go to school for a week, calling and telling the school I was helping out on the farm instead of letting me go to school and risk anyone seeing the cuts and bruises. I found out that by laughing at him when he was hitting me he would wear himself out on me and my brother would not get beat so I learned to laugh when I felt pain. I never told because he threatened to hurt my sister if I did.

Going to school, I felt different from other kids. They had not been molested, they were not living with their grandparents and they did not get beat at home. I felt less than, inadequate and afraid that anyone would find out who I was. I found that picking on kids less popular than me made me feel better and accepted. I became a bully in 5th grade. I would get beat at home than would beat up other kids. Because of the physical/sexual abuse and my fighting several things happened: I never felt that I fit in, I learned to hide how I felt and who I was, I saw several counselors, I learned to embrace pain, I lost all hope and became agnostic.

In 7th Grade my dad got custody of me. I moved back to Illinois. He worked overnights. My first weekend I was walking the town and ran into some kids on the square. They asked me if I had ever smoked marijuana, and I told them yes. They passed me a joint and for the first time I could remember, I felt I fit in. The next night I went to a party with them. It was the first time I got drunk, did cocaine, tripped acid, kissed a girl and slept with a girl.

I learned that if I stayed high, slept with the hot girls and beat people up I could numb my emotions, temporarily escape my past and feel like I fit in.  I began smoking marijuana and eating mini-thins daily and drinking, being promiscuous and fighting on the weekends.

I moved back to MO with my mom senior year after getting my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning and multiple legal problems chasing me. I was such a knucklehead that I moved to Southwest Missouri to get away from drugs. The problem was that although I changed locales, I had not changed. I brought me with me. I soon found methamphetamine and dropped out of high school because it got in my way of partying. I continued to get into fights and break the law. At 17 I was on probation.

My probation officer tried everything to no avail: probation, community service, scared straight, house arrest, counseling, rehab and county jail. I went on the run for 6 months then turned myself in. At 20 I went to prison. While there I accomplished 3 things: I learned to be better criminal, got my GED and turned 21.

Two hours after I was paroled I was drunk. I used drugs intravenously for the first time the night I was released. Soon after I was dealing drugs and involved in the manufacturing of meth.

At 22 I flew my car 97 feet off of a cliff, getting 32 feet in the air. I died several times in the ambulance and was prescribed opiates for my injuries. By the time the doctor took me off of opiates months later I was addicted to them as well.

At 23 I got married and left a month later due to issues we were having. I found myself back on probation for possession with intent to deliver. At 24 I attempted suicide but my sister happened to come over and find me unconscious in a pool of blood in my bathroom. She called an ambulance. If you can’t tell, I lived. I was trying to find a way out of my addiction and depression and that was the only thing I had not tried. I was so unsuccessful I couldn’t even do that right.

As a side note I have a history of mental illness diagnosis: Bipolar disorder, PTSD, generalized anxiety, major depressive episodes with psychotic features and antisocial personality disorder. 

At 28 I went to residential rehab for the first time. It took me a month after I got out before I relapsed. That 2 month period was the longest I had been clean since I had started using at 12. I needed money and only knew one way to get it quickly. The voice in the back of my head told me I could sell and not use. As usual, the voice lied. That voice led me from one disaster to the next by telling me what I wanted to hear. That is one of the things that makes me an addict.

In the 13 months my relapse lasted I overdosed 3 times, left a trail of used people and shot someone at a drug deal gone badly. He lived and that actually made me mad. I was an evil person back then, a soldier for Satan.  I have holes in my body I was not born with. I did not get them being a nice guy or being around nice people. I moved in with my mother in Springfield from Branson to get my life in order, leaving all I owned behind me. As usual, I ran away but brought me with along.

At 30 I started college and was working in restaurants. I was soon drinking every night, shooting steroids, still getting into fights, being promiscuous and living my life by my rules as an Agnostic. If this was all there was I had better party it up and enjoy life now! My best day consisted of waking up to my alarm and not the shakes because I needed a drink. After this life I knew that there was nothing so I became a hedonist and chased the next rush or conquest.

An Associates, 2 bachelors and in the middle of a master’s degree later I was still an alcoholic; running from my problems and reveling in my character defects. I got into fights almost weekly, cussed constantly, slept with anyone, constantly looked at porn on the internet while smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I saw a dominatrix on a regular basis to get beaten because I felt that I deserved the pain. I was working at a substance abuse facility while drinking until I blacked out every night. I always said I hated Christians because they were hypocrites, yet I was the biggest hypocrite I knew. Looking back it makes since, as I hated myself.

I looked into the mirror and did not like the person I saw, but I could always look at others and see I wasn’t as bad as them. I was not where I wanted to be but was happy I was not where I had been. Because of that I thought I was better. After all, it was only alcohol and a few legal addictions.

The month before I turned 36 my father committed suicide. Several months later I broke up with the mother of my son. She would not let me see him at first. I struggled. I was out of hope, and my job was to give hope to my clients. I began to feel that I was a fraud and they were all going to find out. I started to look at the people I knew who were always happy. I looked for people who had the most hope. It turned out to be a Christian couple I knew through work, Nate and Becca.

One day I broke down and told Nate what was going on. He invited me to come to Church with them. I said no. He asked again several weeks later, and I said no. Then the following week his wife invited me to church for BBQ.  I love to eat, so I said okay. The first thing I remember was the music. They played a song by Third Day called “Cry out to Jesus.” It was a Christian song that talked about addiction in the lyrics. For the first time in a church I did not feel judged for who I was or how I was dressed. Then I heard they had a recovery meeting called Celebrate Recovery, and the next week I checked it out.

I came a week or two a month for the next 6 months. I was not drinking the kool-aid. I did not really believe, but I was around positive people and I hoped it would rub off. I also heard several things that stuck in my mind. I really liked Paul became of the things that he said.

Romans 3:23 – “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I was not the only sinner in the church. Instead, it was a church full of people who sinned.

 Romans 7:14,19 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing" I could totally relate to Paul, like he was my long lost twin. He had struggles too and had trouble stopping.

About a year later, I had been drinking heavily. As I pulled out of the bar to go home, I had a police car zoom up behind me. I immediately began to pray. “God, if you let me not get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me and I continued to pray, “I promise, if you let me not get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time that happened I added something else. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, drugging, smoking cigarettes, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.

As I turned onto my street, the police officer continued going straight. I passed out in my car when I got home. I remember waking up in the morning and going to bed. I woke up late that afternoon. I had plans to go to my friend house to watch the Super Bowl. I remember getting up and lying in bed trying to piece together the night before. I would generally black out and not remember the previous night, but this time I remembered. I remembered making the deal as I prayed, and the police car driving by after following me half-way across Springfield. That kept playing over and over in my mind. 

I sat and thought about what I was going to do. Finally, I got into my car to go. I can remember thinking that there was no way I could go to Josh’s house and keep my part of the bargain, because everybody there would be drinking and smoking cigarettes. I headed over there anyway. I knew that I had made a deal with God, and that God had kept his part of the bargain. I also knew that I had smoked cigarettes for almost 26 years and been using drugs and alcohol for 24 years. I could not say no. After all, the voice in my head kept telling me I couldn’t do it. Literally, there was a voice in my head telling me I might as well drink because I was going to fail anyway.

As I was driving to my friend’s house I was flipping through radio stations when I heard a song start that I had never heard before. As it played, I started to cry. I had to pull over due to the tears. As soon as I heard the words, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was,” I knew that I would never smoke again. At that moment I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. The voice in my head changed. God spoke to me, and I heard a voice in my head start repeating over and over again, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.” 

God had kept his part of the bargain, so I have attempted to keep mine. I am blessed to say that I have not gotten into a fight outside of the ring, been promiscuous, drank, drugged or smoked a cigarette since that night. I may have cursed a few times, but no one is perfect. I have become a firm believer in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all through Him who gives me strength." As an Agnostic I tried everything the world had to offer: medication, rehab, probation, prison, psychiatrists, psychologists, anonymous programs all to no avail. One foxhole prayer and my life has never been the same…….in amazing ways.

Do I miss the drugs and the lifestyle sometimes? You bet. I can honestly say that I loved drugs and I loved the way they made me feel. I hate the person they turned me into. I never want to be that person again. I am no longer obsessed with drugs, but the desire is still there on occasion. I have prayed for the desire to be lifted, and it has not happened. I find solace in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, "there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I have discovered over time what I had been doing wrong and why I had failed so many times. As an Agnostic, when I woke up in the morning without a hangover and a cute girl beside me I knew that was the best my life was ever going to get. Through Christ I have something more to look forward to. No matter how bad my day gets, I know that if I continue to live my life guided by the Holy Spirit that I have an eternity of bliss promised to me. Because of that promise, I can make it through everything that this world has to throw at me.

A month after I committed my life to Christ I was first contacted by the woman who is now my wife on E-Harmony, Julie. Christ had to wait until I was ready to place the woman of my dreams in my life. A month after I met Julie I was baptized. These are just a couple of the ways my life has changed.

My life has changed because I see it differently. I see my life as a gift from God, and how I live my life my thank you to Him. I lived years slapping God in the face, and I will never do that again. I have found a purpose for my life that I never knew was possible because there is more to life than just me and my immediate pleasure.   

I once heard it said that going to Church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. I completely agree with that, and I want to be known for my actions, not my words. The 10 commandments are not multiple choice. My actions today speak of who I am, not who I was. I am a child of Christ, my life a gift from God.  People should be able to see that when they are around me. It starts with doing community service and sharing the gospel with others.

That is why the 12^th step is by far my favorite step. It is the pay check at the end of a long and hard work week. Let no one tell you that recovery is easy, but it is worth it. You have to be true to yourself and to Christ, and realize that only by walking the walk can you truly influence others. James 1:27 says that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Because of this I go out and speak at churches, seminars, groups, trainings, schools, colleges and in communities about how addiction begins, how it progresses, the dangers it presents as well as the fact that there is a Better Life In Recovery; which is the name of the non-profit and the documentary I am working on that will reach out to youth and young adults who have struggles with the sole purpose of giving them hope and letting them know they are not alone in their hurts, habits and hang-ups.

I want others to see how accepting Christ is and come to faith in Him. As Paul said, “Christ Jesus came into this world to save sinners of whom I am the worst.”   They can only see loving side of Christ if it is displayed by us as Christians and it all starts with me. Christ has given me an amazing son and daughter, a beautiful wife who has always put Christ first her whole life, a job I enjoy and a story that can be shared with others of how rock bottom can be transformed into a life worth living.

I understand why people feel they are not worthy of Christ’s grace. I remember when I went to my pastor and explained to him about this incredible female I had met and how I was not worthy of her because I sinned frequently in my past and was new to Christ while she had lived her entire life for God. I could not understand how this could be, and my pastor told me a story I will relate to you. It is a parable that Christ shared in Matthew about the landowner who hires men in the early morning to go and work his fields for a denarius, which was the common payment for a full day’s work. Three hours later he goes to the marketplace and gets more workers and sends them to his fields. Three hours later he does the same thing, then again three hours later and yet again two hours later. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same and the first hired grumbled about getting paid the same. The landowner told them to take their pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Are you envious because I am generous, he asked them. This parable was not at all about money, but was about God's grace. It means that no matter when in your life you heed God’s call, you will gain Eternal Life. So now, instead of focusing on what God has given others I focus on God's gracious benefits to me and I am thankful for all that have.

I have a life now through Christ that I never had without him. I can finally look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me because I was finally able to deal with my problems instead of trying to stay numb and escape them. Working through the steps actually allowed me to not only forgive others, but to finally forgive myself. After all, that was the person I hurt and hated the most.

I went from a drug addicted felon with no hope and no self-esteem to a Christian who shares with others the grace and hope that was shared with me. I like to say that I went From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope. I can truly do all through him who strengthens me, and so can you. I would strongly encourage anyone considering Celebrate Recovery to look into it, and remember that it is a lifelong commitment. It worked for me and it will work for you.

It is not a magical cure; it needs to be actively worked on a daily basis. I hear some say they are recovered, and to me that says that they are done. I am in recovery. That means I will continue to work at this program, on myself, and for a better relationship with Christ on a daily basis. You see, I still get frustrated, still get sad, still feel guilty, still feel lonely and I do not always do the right thing, but I strive to be Christ like and try to ensure that each day I live my life will be better than the day before it.

I am no longer a hypocrite; I no longer hate or harbor resentments and anger. Instead I laugh, I cry, I love. I am quick to help and even quicker to forgive. What I once saw as weakness I now often see as strength. Some of those who were once my enemies have become my heroes. It is amazing how your outlook on life changes when you are in recovery.

Thank you for letting me share some of my experiences with you and how God has impacted my life and completely change the way I live it. In all honestly I did very little. I owe a lot to 12 step programs, even more to Celebrate Recovery, and I owe it all to Christ. Trust me, with Him all things are possible

The Promise of a New Year

Sitting here at 10 minutes after midnight after watching the live streaming New Years Eve Impact concert thinking of what the future might bring. The lyrics to an old Paula Abdul song pop into my, "The promise of a new day." Welcome to 2014, and I can guarantee you there is a promise of a new year this time around. Or not.

What does the new year promise for most of us? What were your resolutions? Lose some weight, make more money, exercise more, eat better, eat less, quit smoking, etc. I have made quite a few of those in the past, and I can say that I have kept a couple of my new years resolutions................for a day, a week and once about a month. Then the excitement wore off and I went back to my old ways.

Why could I never keep a new years resolution? Boil them down and they really meant nothing to me. I was hopeless and depressed most of the time. I hated myself and the only way I could escape that fact was by drinking, drugging, smoking and eating. If I lost weight, then maybe I would like me. I would lose some weight or have more money but when I looked in the mirror all I could think was, "You SUCK JUNKIE! You SUCK DRUNK! You are a FAKE!

That was enough to get me back out there. I saw counselors and psychiatrists. Nothing. I took medication. Useless. I went to college. Nada. I even gave a couple of anonymous programs a shot. Temporary. Nothing worked.

I am smart..........ish. I was in the 150 range when I was younger but I guess that after a couple of decades of drugs/alcohol and multiple head injuries I lost a lot of that. The neuropsychologist told me I had an IQ of 129 now. So I am relatively smart based on standardized testing over the course of 2 days. As a smartish Agnostic I thought that logic and my friends would get me through it. Worthless.

Not saying my friends were worthless, because a couple of them tried to help but they did not succeed. No, I am saying that me using my cognitive abilities was worthless. Logic and the promise of a new day making things better is now a moot point. I know that I tried and failed.

Tomorrow is still going to be filled with disappointments. I will still have bills, people will still let me down, I will be lied to, people will try to use me, people I love will still die, I might get laid off and the engine in my car could blow. That is how life in our world is set up, and nothing my agnostic mind could come up with would allow me to escape that.

If this life was all there was, why work hard? Why not just play? Why help others and volunteer my money and time? Why not just take care of me? Why deal with my problems? Why not continue to use drugs and alcohol to escape them? To quote Queen, "Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters to me."

Then I got saved. I accepted Christ into my life after having a personal experience that convinced me to give God a try. I have never looked back. It has made all of the difference. I did not get promised a new day or a new year to make changes so that my life would be better. No, instead I was promised a new life. I was a new creation and my former self had faded away.

The problems in my past were myriad but the biggest one was that no matter what tomorrow brought it still included me and I was beyond repair. I was broken and there was nothing that could ever fix me. After all, I had tried just about everything secular this world could provide. At the end of the day, I was still me.

In Christ I found that I was perfectly broken, but so was everyone else. Not only that, but my past transgressions that I hated myself for were already forgiven and there was more to my life than just this the shell and this horrible world. The choices I made today mattered for eternity. Big wake up call.

As the fog lifted I began to see there was more to living than just thinking about me. My life changed. When I heard that I was loved and forgiven for all that I had done an attitude of gratitude developed. It is hard to be grateful when the sign of a good day is waking up to an alarm not the shakes next to someone whose name I might or might not know. It is pretty easy when you wake up making a gratitude list after thanking God for another day clean and sober to share his message of hope and salvation.

Gratitude is important, but even more so is hope. If this mundane, evil world is all there is
hope becomes a hard commodity to come by. At least it was for me. Now that I know I am not who I was and there is more to life than just now, I have hope. I have something to look forward to that is eternal and a firm belief that I can share my story with people and impart some of my hope with them.

I went from dealing dope to dealing hope because I found a better life in recovery that was not possible for me as an agnostic. With Christ I have discovered that I truly can do all things, and the things that I want to do now are not about me. I want people to see Christ's amazing grace and abundant love through me.

That is the promise of a new year. I can become more like Christ and be better used as his hands and feet so that more people can hear about the live changing power of the Holy Spirit and gain the hope I have found. Look forward to the New Year and all that we can accomplish for His kingdom and the recovery movement!

2014: Looking to the Year Ahead (I Need Your Help)

So, in 2013 I did not get accomplished a lot of things that I wanted to. I did however get to spend time with my family and that really took priority in 2013. In 2014 my family is still a priority, but there are goals that need to be met. I am not sure if I should outline the final goals or how I plan on reaching them, so I will do a little of both. My primary goal is to continue dealing hope to the people I come in contact with better than I did this year and to continue advancing Better Life in Recovery (BLiR).

This year I made some progress and accomplished some pretty neat things in my mission to share recovery, my faith and deal hope to all I could. I wrote 77 blogs for Spiritual Spackle on various topics that were viewed over 42,000 times. I had several blogs published by The Poached Egg as well as Global University. Better Life in Recovery is now recognized in the state of Missouri as Better Life in Recovery, Inc. I was the closing speaker for the Missouri Association of Drug Court Professional's state conference. I also did two 6 hour presentations teaching co-occurring disorders to the MRSS-P (Missouri Recovery Support Specialist-Peer) program.

Better Life in Recovery partnered with Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, the Carol Jones Alumni Organization, the Missouri Recovery Network and various other organizations to do Recovery in the Park for National Recovery Month attended by over 100 people. Better Life in Recovery also partnered with New Life Church, Incredible Pizza, Roma Foods, Coca Cola and Henry's with entertainment by Kelsey Snapp, Kayleigh Amstutz and the Legacy featuring speakers Ellie Hagen and Darrin Mendez to put on the Spring Break BLiR Bash that was attended by over 100 people. Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services also partnered with Greene County Men's Drug Court to do a river clean up on the James River for National Recovery month.

GOALS

1. Speak at least once a month with churches, groups, colleges, community events and seminars. I currently have a couple of Celebrate Recovery groups I will be sharing my testimony with as well as a Victim Impact Panel in Greene County.
2. Get an article published in a magazine
3. Complete writing my book, Spiritual Spackle: From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope and get it published
4. Sit on the board of at least two organizations
5. Have the finished version of the Better Life in Recovery website go live
6. Get Better Life in Recovery, Inc. non-profit status
7. Complete interviews for the Better Life in Recovery documentary
8. Have 4 major events for National Recovery month in September
9. Have a BLiR event
10. Get grief and loss certified
11. Get EMDR certified
12. Get below 200 pounds
13. Set up a Kickstarter project to self-publish Spiritual Spackle
14. Set up a Kickstarter project for the documentary Better Life in Recovery

 

What I Can Do

 

1. Talk to people, places and organizations that might be interested in me speaking or teaching
2. Send blogs and articles to various magazines and organizations that might be interested in publishing them
3. Set aside 2 hours a week just to focus on writing my book
4. Look further into the Victim Impact Panel and The Missouri Recovery Network to see the requirements of sitting on their boards and then apply
5. Put together meetings of people and organizations that will be interested in helping with the National Recovery month and the BLiR event
6. Reach out to find people who are willing to share their story of recovery as well as a couple of parents who have had children in addiction and possibly lost them to their addictions
7. Already paid to go to the St Louis grief and loss training for certification
8. Begin putting together packages and videos to promote Spiritual Spackle and Better Life in Recovery Kickstarter projects
9. Begin following a better diet, stop stress/comfort eating and get into the gym at least 4 times a week
10. Continue publishing at least one blog a week on Spiritual Spackle

What You Can Do

 

1. If you are a professor, teacher, counselor, pastor, sit on a board or are part of a group or organization that I could speak at contact me. I speak and teach on topics ranging from addiction/recovery to mental heath to grief and loss to PTSD/Trauma to Christianity/building a better foundation for your faith.
2. If you would be interested in helping me with the non-profit Better Life in Recovery by either sitting on the board, hosting an event, donating time/money or helping at an event contact me
3. If you would be interested in either donating time, goods or money for our Recovery Month events that are promoted to reduce the stigma of addiction contact me
4. If you would be interested in sharing your story of recovery or are a parent of a child who struggled with addiction, especially if you are an ethnicity other than Caucasian and/or between the ages of 18-25 (under 18 with parent's permission) or know of somebody who is please contact me
5. If you know of any organizations or groups that I could partner with, put us into contact with each other
6. If you are interested in helping me get Spiritual Spackle published and/or the documentary Better Life in Recovery completed, contact me and we can talk about the things that will be required for the Kickstarter projects to be successful and to further the message of recovery and hope to all that we can reach

I had high hopes for 2013 and some of them were met. The 3 biggest I did not accomplish were competing the book Spiritual Spackle, finishing filming on the documentary Better Life in Recovery and BLiR becoming a non-profit organization. These are still at the top of my list, as is spreading the message of recovery and dealing hope and faith to all I come in contact with.

 

I look forward to meeting my goals above, but it can only be done with your help and assistance so if you can help me with any of the above goals contact me at david.stoecker@gmail.com Thanks for reading and praying for me and my calling. I look forward to the coming year and all that we can do together.





Duck Dynasty and Hate Speech

I have been asked my opinion on the whole Duck Dynasty issue and I was not going to put anything up. The more that I have heard people talking about it, the more confused I have become and I have felt compelled to comment. I have heard it called hate speech, and I have gotten lost somewhere as to what is appropriate and what is not appropriate and who is allowed to bash on people and who is not. 

Personally I believe that a lot of the anger I have heard recently is misplaced. It would appear that if you are a minority you can say what ever you want with no repercussions. If you are not a minority than you are lambasted for your opinion. Here is the example of what I mean, using the recent comments by one of the cast members of the A&E Network's show, Duck Dynasty and another man who was recently in the media spotlight as well for comments he made, Dan Savage.

Many people’s feelings have been hurt because a magazine called Gentleman’s Quarterly did an interview with a long-haired, large bearded self-proclaimed back woods redneck. He is also a very vocal Christian. Let's get this out of the way; I find it funny that GQ is interviewing a redneck who I would guess wears camouflage more often than tuxedos t and prefers to spend time in tree stands and duck blinds as opposed to the opera and ballet. I am just guessing this is how he is, as I don’t watch Duck Dynasty.

In this interview, he was asked, “What, in your opinion, is sinful.” He replied, “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers -- they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

Soon after the comments followed this statement from Phil Robertson, “I myself am a product of the 60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock and roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together. However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.”

I personally don’t see hate here. I see him stating his opinion, which he bases on his faith. In return he even discusses sins in his own life and what the Christian mission is. To this GLAAD has asked for his being removed from A&E. They actually said that his comments are some of “the vilest and most extreme.” In response to his comments, A&E suspended him indefinitely from their program (I just read that he was reinstated). This makes complete sense as A&E has the highest standards, with shows like Intervention, Hoarders as well as the Bonnie and Clyde series about a murderous couple that robbed banks.

Let us look at another man, Dan Savage. If you are not familiar with Dan, he is the founder of an anti-bullying project called, “It Gets Better” that was used by the Obama administration to combat bullying of LGBT children in schools. He goes into schools and speaks out against bullying. He is also a regular on Bill Mahr’s show. He is also gay. Recently he went off on an expletive laced tirade against Catholic priests and was lauded for it. It seems that the Catholics have gotten really bad press due to some of them being pedophiles. I can see his outrage and anger here and although I may not agree with how it was said can see some validity.

Unfortunately, he has a history of hate that should be pointed out. He also has said on the same show a couple of years previously about Republicans, “I wish they were all (f-bomb deleted) dead.” (FYI - I am not a Republican) On this same show he also said that he wanted to have hate sex with Rick Santorum and finished with, “let’s bone that Santorum boy.” I realize that this is a hack comedy show, but wrong is wrong and hate is hate I thought. (Did I mention that this non-bullying author called high school Christians that walked out of his presentation pansies from his microphone after he bashed Christians.) 

In his defense, he did ask to retract his statement. Dan said that he wanted to “apologize for wishing all Republicans dead. I don’t feel that way. I had a drink before the show.” No apologies for wanting to rape a man, which it would be given Rick’s feelings about homosexual relations. In his defense, someone earlier had said they would want to have rage and anger induced sex with Michelle Bachmann on the same show and he felt the need to join in the fray.

For some reason this was not splashed all over the media. No one rushed to have Dan taken off of the air. It was not the talk of Facebook and trending in the Twittersphere. We still have this guy on the air on Bill Mahr’s often hate induced show Real Time as well as still speaking in schools. Yet this show, Bill Mahr the  host and his frequent guest Dan Savage are on the air regularly. I guess that it is okay to talk about having sex with people against their will and wishing them dead but saying you believe something someone does is wrong disparages people. 

This is the problem we have currently in our country. We need to be concerned about the right thing. If stating disagreement with someone’s opinion makes you wish they were dead, that is hate speech. If you’re disagreeing with someone makes you say that what they are doing is not right, that is an opinion. Personally I am more offended by hate speech wishing people dead than I am stating an opinion that did not come with a "wish they were all dead." Where is the outrage?

If you were offended by Phil you should be fuming over Dan and that did not appear to be the reality of the situations. Instead, we have very little to no issue with Dan and are enraged over Phil. Why is this a big deal for one and not the other? Because one is considered a minority and the other is not. The majority cannot be vocal without getting called out for it as being hate speech and when a minority does it is fine and dandy. 

I really hope this trend changes, as it is making my head hurt. I believe that wrong is wrong no matter who does it. Why would you be outraged of one person saying something then tolerant of someone else saying something that is several degrees more hate-filled is beyond me. At least stay consistent, people.    

In closing, we as Christians are called to love our brother. I can love someone and still disagree with how they are living their lives. I love various family members even if I cannot stand some of their behaviors. I can separate between a person and their actions and behaviors. All I can do is make my life a living example: being in a committed relationship, not abusing drugs/alcohol, not cussing, being positive and helping those around me who are in need. Be salt and light for the world around you and deal hope and love to all you come in contact with. 

Thanks for listening to my little rant, and have a safe New Years!!

You Never Have to Use Again

I was new to the program, or newish. I had one stint of being sober. I had stayed clean for a couple of months after a residential treatment I did, but it had not taken. Looking back, I was not ready at the time. I did not have the commitment, mostly due to a confusion where I thought that my wants were actually needs. That in turn led me to craving money, which led me back to manufacturing and distributing methamphetamine. That was the only way I knew to make the money I felt I needed at the time.

Once I started selling again, I felt the need to use again. Once I used again, it was all over. I found out that my addiction did not take a couple of months off when I did. I realized quickly that although I had not been feeding my addiction, it had still grown. My addiction no longer needed my help. It was in the back of my head doing its’ thing: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and on a computer doing research.

My addiction got stronger and smarter during my time away. When I came back, the lie told me I could sell it and not use it. That quickly morphed into being able to try it just to see if it was good quality. A bump led to a bubble led to using intravenously all in the same day. It had told me lies that were almost believable. I wanted them to be true, so I ran with them.

That 13 month relapse was above and beyond the previous 16 years. In the first 16 years, I had to get my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning. In the next 13 months I overdosed 3 separate times. I was left for dead in a motel room, found not breathing at my house and flopped at a friend’s house and used enough that I went blind and went into seizures. Before that I had never done more than overamped. To top it all off in the week before I went to a meetingI had been at a drug deal gone bad where I had shot someone (I found out later he lived) after one of my partner’s buddies had gotten shot in the leg.

That period, a year and a month of my life, was above and beyond anything I had previously experienced. How quickly it devolved is what led me to leaving everything behind I owned and knew. I left the town I was living in and showed up at my mom’s house with nothing but a duffel bag full of clothes. I was done, and material things had lost all interest. After all, it was only stuff and none of that could replace my life if I lost it in my addiction. I figured that was next. Even if I were a cat, I was about out of lives. That is what brought me to my first meeting in Springfield.

I walked into that meeting with my friend Jay the day I moved to Springfield. I had one of Jay’s friends tell me something I had never heard before. He asked how much time I had clean, and I told him that I had less than 24 hours. He then said, “At an NA meeting with less than a day clean. That is a great start. You are at a meeting where other people who are fighting the same fight can share their strength, experience and hope with you. If you listen to them and apply what you hear here to your life, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN. This is an easy program that we make more difficult than it is, but the truth is YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN.”

This is one of the most encouraging pairing of words I had ever heard, “You never have to use again.” I heard it twice in one breath at my first meeting in Springfield. I would like to tell you that the previous 13 month relapse had been my rock bottom. I would love to share with you that I had an epiphany and never used again after being told that I didn’t have to. Unfortunately, if I told you that I would be lying.

I was off of drugs for quite some time after that, but I began drinking. That drinking intensified over the next couple of years to the point that I was having an after party at my house most every night. It slowed down after I had my son, but quickly escalated after my father committed suicide.

I am a knuckle head. I seem to always have to learn things for myself. I guess I still needed to learn one more thing the hard way. I did 150 meetings in the first 90 days and then 2-5 meetings a week for the following six months and this was read from the readingHow It Works at every meeting I attended during that time:

 “Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse.                    Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be

confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must        abstain from all drugs in order to recover.”

I will talk more about the damaging effects of alcohol in a future blog entitled “Alcohol is a Drug, Period.”  Today, if you are struggling with addiction I just want you to know one thing, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN!That said, you will want to make this much harder than it really is. Here are the five pillars you must have to stay clean and sober as well as the two things you must change:

1.       Higher Power/Jesus – I know that the politically correct thing to say here is the non-specific higher power. That said, I tried the non-specific HP as an agnostic and I was back to using again.  It did not work for me. I prayed to Christ once, and since that day I have not: used drugs, drank alcohol, smoked a cigarette, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring in almost 5 years. I was hopeless and a higher power did nothing to instill hope in me. I found hope in Christ that not only could this life be better but there is so much more than just this life. I have something to look forward to in Christ that I did not have in my agnosticism.

2.       The Bible/12 Steps– Some may substitute the 12 steps here, and I have seen them be very effective when working with hurts, habits and hang-ups. For me, the book of James has been amazing. It is short and filled with all of the wisdom one needs to live a great life. I combine the Bible with the 12 steps through both my personal life as well as Celebrate Recovery (which I will cover in #5). Don’t just know it, but actually apply it to your life.

3.       Sponsor/Mentor – Find someone living the life you want who has overcame the struggles you are having. Have them show you how to accomplish your goals and attain your dreams. If you are going through the 12 steps, you want them to have worked the 12 steps. If you are using the Bible find someone well versed in it.

4.       Accountability Partner – I have a couple of friends that I have given permission to call me out if they see me having problems. It might be my attitude, depression, not going to groups or missing church. I also have a friend that has also struggled with addictions and found victory through Christ that I meet weekly for coffee. We share struggles, successes and give each other support and feedback. 

5.       Meetings - Narcotic’s Anonymous, Alcoholic’s Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, etc. This is a place where I hear people who are currently struggling and others who have found recovery. I am reminded of how strong addictions are, how much they can impact your life and that recovery is possible by both the newcomer and the old timer. Here is one of the best places to obtain hope that recovery is possible. Without hope recovery is impossible. I find more positivity and hope in one night of Celebrate Recovery than I did in 7 nights of the other recovery programs. That said, I still attend other recovery meetings because sometimes I feel the need for one when there is no CR available.

6.       Change your playmates– When I was an addict and a criminal, I hung out with addicts and criminals. When I was an alcoholic I hung out with binge drinkers and alcoholics. Like minded people hang out with like minded people. If you want to have a career and be financially stable hang out with people who have careers and financial stability. If you want to be in recovery hang out with people who are in recovery. Birds of a feather flock together and your friends will get you jacked up before you get them on the straight and narrow.

7.       Change your playgrounds – I went from hanging out in bars and clubs to working out and going to coffee houses and meetings. I found that being in bars, clubs and at the homes of people who partied was not conducive to my staying clean and sober. Adding new uncomfortable things to your life will help you make positive changes. Comfortable is what got many of us here. We need to switch it up and the best way is by filling our lives with new positive hobbies: working out, meetings, small groups, hiking, sports, community service, etc.
8.        Community Service - There is nothing that gives people hope and purpose more than rejoining with their communities and actively becoming part of them again. Working side by side with people who have not lived their lives the same way I lived mine yet they work next to me as together we make our communities stronger.

This is the short list of things to do. I will include this as well as many others in the book I am writing that I hope will be published by the end of next year entitled Spiritual Spackle: From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope. It is a look at my addiction, from early childhood abuse to adult criminality and the things I learned from it all that have led me to a life filled with hope in recovery. For now, apply what is lined out above and I can promise that you will never have to use again! After all, there is a Better Life in Recovery!!

Christmas: It's Not Your Birthday

This is the title of an upcoming sermon at a local church called Church at the Center. I have not heard the sermon, but when I heard the title it started my gears clicking. I immediately wrote it down and said, “There is the title of my next blog.” It tied in with the recent theme of my 2 most recent blogs so I will continue on with a series that has addressed greed and hedonism and end it today with coming to Christ as the perfect way to start the new year.

The last couple of weeks I have written about many being unsatisfied with what we have and how we feel God owes us more because of our faith in Christ. We no longer are asking ourselves how can I be the hands and feet of Christ but instead what can God do for me. In this same vein, Christmas has lost its’ meaning.

Now is where everyone will jump in and remind me that Christ was not born in December and that Christmas has many pagan traditions and is therefore premised on a lie. I know all of this. I also know that the wedding ring does not stop people from cheating or intensify the feelings you have for someone and the declaration of independence was not signed until almost a month after July 4^th. They are representations and reminders of momentous occasions.  

Christmas is the same story. It is a reminder of the greatest gift we have been given, the birth of Christ. Christ was born so that we would have a mediator between us and God. He was born so that we might receive grace and a promise of salvation. If not for Christ, we are lost. Our sins are not taken away; we have no bridge to God and no promise of eternal life.

That makes Christ’s birth a pretty big deal. In fact, that means the birth of Christ is THE big deal. Some where in our celebrating of Christmas this meaning has become secondary to what can I get for me. The main concern is about getting and receiving material things.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy both giving and receiving gifts. It is a blessing to have the finances and loved ones to generously give and receive gifts on the day we celebrate the greatest gift of all being given to us. I just wanted to remind you that without Christ there is no Christmas. It is not about season’s greetings, but merry CHRIST-MASS! Christ truly is the reason we celebrate this season, whether it is the correct day or not.

In 1 Timothy 1:15 Paul says, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners.” That means that Jesus came to save all of us, for Romans 3:23 tells us that, “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” So what do we have to do in order to be saved and reap the gift of Christ's sacrifice?

1.       You must have faith that Jesus died to forgive your sins. Ephesians 2:8 states, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

2.       Ask God into your heart in the form of the Holy Spirit to guide you. Ephesians 2:13, “For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.”

3.       Confess your sins to God. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

This year, let it be the year that you decided to try a new way of living. To steal an expression from the 12 step groups: Give us 90 days of your life, and if at the end of that 90 days you are not fully satisfied, we will gladly refund your misery. This year as you are giving and receiving gifts, with every gift you buy and every gift you get, remember the greatest gift of all that you were given over 2000 years ago.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS, enjoy food, fellowship and gifts with loved ones and use the holidays as a time to commit or recommit your life to Christ and being a fount of Christian love and warmth for all to experience in the coming year!