I Apologize (A formal apology)

Last night I got out of my car to return a Red Box movie. The car next to me had it's stereo pumping with no driver inside. He/She had gone in to get something, leaving their car running with the windows down and the stereo on full blast. The music coming from the stereo was some old school chopped and screwed remix that I used to listen to back in the day. I heard it, and I was instantly embarrassed for the families pulling up with children due to the language and subject matter of the song. That embarrassment led me to write this apology letter to you today.

You see, pulling up beside you with my stereo blasting while I listened to music was what I did. My music was about drugs, sex and violence. It contained the "f" bomb in a place of importance based on the frequency it was repeated. I would have windows down and sit next to you at a red light, or leave my car running while I ran inside somewhere just so you and your family would have to listen. I could care less about you and yours. I didn't even care about me. This is one of my more minor offenses, but I apologize.

I was not a bad looking kid in school, and I took advantage of it. When we were in a relationship I was always on the look out for the next cute girl. I knew I was up to no good and headed for even worse things in the future and I tried to bring you down with me. I cheated on you, used you, lied to you in order to get what I wanted and treated you as unimportant compared to my friends, my drugs and my drinking. The truth is, when I met you all I saw was a challenge and another notch on my bedpost. For all the times I dumped you for another girl, cheated on you with your friends and sisters, used you as a one night stand and lied to you about anything and everything I apologize.

I was a drug user, drug dealer, alcoholic and all around party guy. I would serve you extra strong drinks to get you drunker quicker so that the money would start rolling freer. I got you high for the first time and encouraged you to try harder drugs so that I could make money. I got you high for free when you were trying to get clean in return for your Narcotic's Anonymous key tag. I only gave you 40 cents on the dollar for food stamps in trade for drugs and I knew that you had a family at home to feed. I was greedy, and the more you got high the more I could get high and still have a pocket full of cash. I ruined your life and for that I am sorry.

I beat you up over money. Just because you owed me cash was no reason to hurt you. That time you tried to short me was no reason to do the damage that I did. I thought that I had to make an example and I went way too far to do it. Finally, just because you were with that cute girl I wanted was no reason to lay in to you, but I did that too. Looking back, all I can say is I should never have been that mean to you.

I mocked you because you believed in God. I used my lack of believe and faith in God to make me feel superior to you and I was never shy, especially as I got older and more bitter, to let you know it. I liked to poke fun at you about your fairy tale belief and blind faith. I took pride in finding you ill equipped to combat my agnosticism and knowledge. I tried to shake your faith and sometimes I did. Unfortunately, that happened often and I do not have the words to express my regret.

As I approach the 5 year anniversary of my recovery, I look at the carnage I left behind. I chased money, power, sex, drugs, pain........anything to escape my past. I prided myself on never hitting you because "I didn't hit girls" yet I would psychologically and emotionally abuse you non-stop, never realizing that my form of abuse was worse than hitting you. I took food stamps from you, never caring about the starving mouths at home because you were laid off and those food stamps were all you had to feed your family. I got you high for the first time, not caring that it led down a road that ended with you going to prison. Sometimes you died, either by your own hand, someone else's, an overdose or a car wreck after you left the party. I guess that makes it pretty hard for me to apologize to you know, but I am sorry.

I always justified my way of living. After all, you chose to be around me. You chose to be my friend. You chose to date me. You chose to be in debt to me. It was never my fault. You should have seen me coming. How could you not know who and what I was? I never pretended to be anything other than what I was, or did I? Besides, you would have done it anyway, or would you? I could read you, I was smart, I talked fast and lived life even faster. I made it look fun and attractive. That allowed me to talk you into doing things you generally never would have. I got you to go further than you wanted to. I helped you graduate from wine coolers to whiskey, alcohol to marijuana, marijuana to methamphetamine and from putting it up your nose to putting it in your veins. For that I beg your forgiveness.

Not to make excuses but just to explain a little about me, I had some problems. I don't know if you know this, but I was sexually abused by my babysitter when I was 4 then 5 and 6 and onward. Then my mom left my dad the first week of 5th grade and I lived with her dad. He abused me. He beat me so bad a couple of times that he called in to school for an entire week and told them I was sick so they would not see the bruises. I became violent. I learned to embrace pain and not show my emotion. I learned how to hide my true feelings and only show people what I wanted them to see, or sometimes what I thought they wanted to see.

Then I found drugs. Marijuana was the first thing I tried, and it made me a little numb and for the first time put me in a crowd that I felt I fit in to. Just like that, I was hooked. It progressed, as it often does, and my use became daily and the experimentation began. I found bigger and badder things to do. Ultimately, I became addicted to more. More money, more drugs, more alcohol, more women, more fighting, more crime, more partying, more, more, more. It didn't matter what it was, as long as I could temporarily escape my life or numb myself to everything around me. I graduated from probation to house arrest to prison, from low self-esteem to self-loathing to hating myself to botched suicides and from drinking to doing drugs to dealing drugs to manufacturing them. Nothing was ever enough.

I hated who I was, I could not stand me and nothing I could do changed that. I hid it, as I always have. I would never let down those walls for you. Sometimes I would tell you I was opening up, but I was lying. I was just telling you what I thought you wanted to hear, just enough to keep you in my life. Then, my dad committed suicide almost 6 years ago. My drinking spiraled even further out of control I raged and struck out at anyone and everyone I could. I broke up with my son's mother. For a while I was not allowed to see my son, then could only see him for a couple of hours at the park a week with his maternal side all standing guard as if I would snatch him and run. The truth is, I probably would have if they wouldn't have been there.

Because of this chaos and turmoil, my whole world shifted in the right direction almost a year after my dad's death. His death and not seeing my son left me raw, hurting and unable to hide behind walls like I had always done before. I had tried everything else and life still sucked, so I decided to give God a chance. It was not intentional, but instead come out of a foxhole prayer I prayed one night. Not going to lie, it was pretty awkward at first. I did not like church because it contained Christians. I hated Christians.  Christians were weak, fake, judgmental hypocrites that lived in fantasy land and there was no way I was going to drink their kool-aid. Then I found a group that changed my mind.

It was called Celebrate Recovery. It allowed me to work through my hurts, habits and hang ups while building relationships with God and the people around me. Through that program I found a relationship with Christ. I began to build real relationships with positive people that cared about me not what they could use me for. I learned to like who I was and realize that if not for my past I would not be the person I am today. Soon, I had hope again. The 31st of January will be the 5 year anniversary of drinking that kool-aid and entering into recovery. I am giving my testimony that week, and I wish you could actually be there to hear it. But I digress.

I hope you know that I truly am sorry. That is why I have put it on paper for anyone and everyone to read. Words cannot accurately express the depth of my apology, as I have damaged you in unfathomable ways. I know words are not enough, especially when put to paper and not spoken. Honestly, you are many and live all over the world. Sometimes I do not know your name, and due to head trauma and lifestyle there are months sometimes years of my life I do not remember so I would have missed some of the ways I had hurt you. I figured that writing it and posting it was the best way to make a blanket apology for all that I have done to you.

This apology is not just to you, though. I realize you were a son, daughter, mother, father, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, sister, brother and friend to other people and I apologize to them as well. If it is any consolation my days of being a soldier for Satan are over. I turned traitor and went to the other side.  I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope. Five years ago I decided to make my life a living amends; a dealer of hope reaching out to those who are suffering and struggling and I have been doing it ever since.

I know that does not change what I did in the past. It cannot make the wrongs right, but it is a start. I also know this apology doesn't change everything I did to you and the people you love. Those things all happened and I cannot take them back. But I cannot change the past, only my present and by proxy my future. That may not be enough for you. I understand you may never be able to forgive me after all I did to you and the people you care about. That is fair and those feelings you have are valid. That said, I hope this letter has found you doing well and living your life to the fullest.

It is my desire that some day you find it in your heart to forgive me if you cannot forgive me today. In the widest stretch of my imagination you read this then reach out to me and let me know how you are doing. You let me know this was heard and that you don't hate me. You might even tell me you forgive me. In closing, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon.