Six years ago today my world stopped. I tried to act like it didn’t bother me. I actually laughed at the time, because that is what I do when I am hurting. Then I drank, a lot. I went down to Florida and tried to drown my sorrows. I tried to see what chance I had of escaping the truth. In the end I found I already knew the answer.
NONE!
ZERO!
You see, no matter how much I drank I could not escape the truth. I could not hide from it, and for the first time I could not escape something for even a minute. I tried to hide it like I had my past traumas, compartmentalizing it and stashing it behind walls I had built over the years. This time it was different. No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, I still did. I could not run from my feelings. I felt something I had never felt before.
HOPELESS!
EMPTY!
In the past I could numb myself with chemicals or other means of creating massive quantities of neurotransmitters and they would destroy my anguish. This time no matter how many people I slept with, how much I drank or how much I physically hurt myself and others the way I felt inside didn’t change. I could not get over what had happened. I was always able to resurface after all of my own defeats, but this time it was different. I thought I was forever changed.
DEFEATED!
CRUSHED!
This was the story of my life after my father’s suicide. Six years ago today my father made a decision. He came up with a permanent solution to a temporary problem. He did what he felt was right and left the rest of us behind in shock and pain. He was my superman, my role model, my hero. The last time I saw him I said things to him I never got a chance to take back in a face to face conversation. When he died I thought I had lost the ability to make amends and it made me feel terrible.
SHAME!
ANGUISH!
Then I was invited to a church by some friends. I fought it for quite some time. I finally gave in because they promised good music and barbecue. I went and found myself having a good time. I was introduced to the woman who ran the Celebrate Recovery group they had there. I tried the group and met a couple of good people. My opinion of Christians started to change. I would visit every other week or so. I started to experience a new feeling.
RELIEF!
FORGIVEN!
The more I came the better I felt. A little less than a year later I was saved after a foxhole prayer and a song from Brandon Heath met warmed me. God reached all the way into the emaciated, cold cellar where I had thrown my soul and warmed me. He transformed me. I went from an Agnostic addicted to more of anything I could get my hands on to a Christian who no longer used. I began to smile again. I discovered a positive outlook on life that I have been told was contagious. Life was looking up. I was reborn.
SAVED!
REDEEMED!
Today I have an amazing wife and a beautiful daughter. I have my son almost half the time. I have a great relationship with his mother and stepdad. I have a career helping others who struggle with addiction. I am the Assimilation Coach of the Celebrate Recovery I attend. I deal hope and decimate stigma while showing others there is a better life in recovery. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope. My life has become a living amends and I love it. I see my life differently.
BLESSED!
GRATEFUL!
My father’s suicide had a lasting impact on me. I could never have guessed the outcome. In the beginning, I was whipped and defeated. I was weary and burdened, crushed and confused. When I found myself at the bottom I had people who encouraged me to continue moving forward. Thanks to them I survived and found a life that is well beyond anything I had ever hoped for. I have experienced things I once denied.
JESUS!
GRACE!
Out of the ashes of my deepest depression I found victory because people cared. I encourage you to take a little extra time today to talk to someone you have not talked to. Smile at people you do not know. Be the voice of hope when others have none. Be the ray of sunshine in a world that is much too dark. Share your optimism with the world around you.
LAUGH!
LOVE!
Out of our darkest pains and deepest hurts our biggest epiphanies are born. Change seldom comes from our successes. It is almost always forged from our defeats. When you walk through the valley know that God holds your hand. He will bring you so much more than you ever expected once you reach that peak! It ain’t but a step for a climber, so keep on keeping on because the view from the top is amazing!
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