When I first came to church I had very low self-esteem and self-confidence. I hated myself and could never forgive myself for the things I had done and the things that had been done to me in my past. I was hopeless, depressed and angry. I had quit illegal drugs but I was still an alcoholic that constantly got into fights and wallowed in self-pity and apathy. I was an Agnostic and then I had a life changing, Pauline conversion that you can read about here http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/03/impact-that-im-not-who-i-was-by-brandon.html. After my conversion, I had so many questions, but several stuck out:
1. Why would God forgive me when I could not forgive myself?
2. How could God love me when I could not love myself?
3. How could God have confidence in me when I had none in myself?
I was lost and angry. I had a new life but I could not see how God could possibly forgive me for everything I had done after I had spent my whole life disappointing Him. Then I ran into three Biblical truths and God opened my eyes to what they meant for me:
1. God forgives all things. This is stated by Paul, when he said, “Christ Jesus died to save sinners-of whom I am the worst.” Paul at one time had killed Christians simply for believing in God and not renouncing their faith. If God forgave Paul for that, surely He will forgive us of our sins as well.
2. God is love. He loves us so much that He sent His son to die for our sins. That love is unconditional, as expressed in the story of the prodigal son. The son was ready to work as the lowest of the low after betraying his father and yet his father still had a place for him at the head of the table, just like our Heavenly Father has for us. After all that we have done, He is still there to love us and expects more from us than we expect for ourselves because of the following truth.
3. God has confidence in us because he is the Alpha and the Omega. This is the one that blew my mind and helped me the most. He has confidence in us because He knows what we are going to do before we do it. Following is why this was such a boon to my self-esteem.
God is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. Therefore, God is omnipotent, which means that he is all-powerful. He is omnipresent, which means that he is in all places at all times. He is omniscient which means that he is all-knowing. What does this mean for us? I am going to give a very short answer for this one, and I hope that it helps you as much as it helped me at one time.
He always was and always will be. He lives above and beyond time. That is how anything that is eternal has to be. Because He has always lived and is in the past, present and future He knows the mistakes we make before we make them. That is not the awesome part. The awesome part is that he knows how many mistakes we will make before we get it right. Let that sink in for a moment; He knows how many mistakes we will make before we get it right! What does this mean for us?
God is never disappointed in us. I relapsed many times in the past yet God was there cheering me on every time. I denied God multiple times, yet every time that I did God was there cheering me on. He was cheering me on because He knew how many times I would fail before I succeeded.
How awesome would that be? Knowing how many times your child would lie to you until the last time after which they would never lie to you again. Would that lead you not to disappointment when it happened but instead joy because they are one closer to it never happening again!
What I began to see was that every time I denied Christ, God was cheering for me. Every time that I relapsed, God was rejoicing! I could hear Him saying the next to last time I relapsed, “One more and you are mine for good!”
Never forget, God is your biggest cheerleader. He already knows the successes you will experience and the glory your life will end with!
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